


you light me up (we're burning bright)

by caisha



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Affairs, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Because I'm not a monster, Cheating, F/M, Happily Ever After, Romance, They don't cheat ON each other they cheat WITH each other, like jj, minor Ben/Kaydel, minor poe/rey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:08:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 29,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21942649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caisha/pseuds/caisha
Summary: "I'm married," it was a statement with force and it made her shrink back."I- I know.""Maybe you don’t understand - this isn't going anywhere ever."
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 251
Kudos: 501





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will be centered around Ben having an affair with Rey so there will be some mentions of their outside relationship(s) as that is part of the dynamic. But there will always be a happy ending after the pain.

**_And that was what destroyed you in the end: the longing for something you could never have._ **

**_— Leigh Bardugo, Crooked Kingdom_ **

"I can't believe he just let you get away with that," Finn spat out before taking a sip of his beer. "No guy in his right mind would believe that you had to leave early for knitting class."

Rey leaned in to the table with her elbows as if she was imparting some dire secret, "Finn, no guy wants you to stay - they don't care what you say as long as you're the one leaving. They don't want to go through the awkwardness of kicking someone out."

Rose laughed at his hurt expression, consoling him with a rub on his shoulder as Rey pulled away with a smile. The low lights in the bar caused shadows to fall across their face as they kissed each other quietly, probably murmuring something about how he'll always want to stay with her.

It was cute, unbearably so - which made Rey hop off the chair and escape as quickly as she could under the pretense of getting another round.

The other excuse for her quick departure sat bent over the bar, hunched as if trying to take up less space. Not very good at it, though - broad shoulders covered by soft black leather jacket took up most of the space on either side. Her eyes roamed down to his dark jeans and heavy boots underneath them, idly licking her lips.

He seemed not to notice as she slid up in the empty space next to him, foot propped up on the stool as she leaned onto the bar. Just continued nursing the one beer he had had the entire night. Not that Rey had been watching.

"Oy! Poe!" She gestured to get the bartender's attention, flashing him a smile that made him shake his head good naturedly.

"I do have other customers you know, Rey."

"Yes, but I'm your favorite," she stuck her tongue out at him and he chuckled. The man beside her looked ahead stoically, but something told her he was listening raptly.

"Another round for you three, then?"

"Yes please, but take your time - they're  _ in the moment,"  _ she nodded over to where Finn and Rose were desperately clinging to each other, lips connected.

"Oh I see," he said, winking at her. "I do have other customers - I'll be back."

Rey waved him away, grateful for the easy friendship she had with Poe. As he walked around the corner of the long bar and out of sight, Rey finally turned her attention to the dark loner beside her.

"Why are you drinking alone? Waiting for someone?" She asked, bold and to the point.

He showed almost no sign of hearing her, except for the shift of eyes and the strands of hair that seemed to fall at his slight movement. He looked at her, sort of, but said nothing. Undeterred, she pushed forward.

"I've never seen you here before," she continued undeterred. Her body faced his, taking in the sure-to-be-soft black t-shirt underneath his leather jacket, the muscles hidden underneath - she could see them from here.

Again he said nothing - but this time he heaved a great sigh before holding up his left hand, presenting his ring finger.  _ Ringed  _ ring finger. A wedding band. Of course someone like him would have been snatched up years ago, she lamented, resigning herself to a bed alone tonight.

But Rey just laughed as if it didn't bother her, lightly and uncaring, "What a cocky son of a bitch you are."

He froze and turned his head finally. Rey swallowed her laughter as she locked with eyes that seemed to shift with the light. They reminded her of a dying campfire, moving from dark charred wood to the spark of amber light from the last remaining embers. Her smile held firm as she continued.

"People can't just talk to you in a bar?" He was quiet, watching her with no expression on his face, eyes tracking her movements. Rey leaned in conspiratorially, "Maybe I'm a lesbian."

At that, he turned his whole body towards her, exposing his wide chest  _ finally  _ to her full view. She had never wanted to slide against something more than at that moment.

"Are you?" His voice was low and hits her even lower, in the deep pit of her stomach where desire began to swirl. His eyes seemed to hold her in place as they watched each other and she slowly shook her head, tone shifting around them from playful teasing to- something else.

His lips smirked slightly at her sudden paralysis, "I didn't think so."

Rey was struck by the thought that perhaps he had been watching her too - though much better at it than she. How else would he have known, been so cocky? It could have been a guess, but the way his eyes roamed her face told a different story.

She grinned at him suddenly, breaking the spell - she caught him this time. Her rapid shift didn't seem to shake him as he watched her smiling as Poe set her drinks on the bar.

"I'll put it on your tab, just remember to close it next time," he winked and left her alone. The man beside her barely registered the presence of another person.

She gathered the drinks in her arms and turned to him, "Well, have fun with yourself!"

Rey didn't miss the quirk of his eyebrow then as she slid her foot off the stool and away from the bar, making her way back to her two best friends - who had thankfully, for now, stopped devouring each other.

They continued their weekly night of bitching about job searches as recent college grads, but the rest of the night when her eyes went to the bar she saw him. Watching her.

His back was pressed against the bar, elbows resting on the counter as his eyes roamed around, taking everything in. But Rey knew what he was watching - her and Finn and Rose. She met his eyes a few times, laugh stuttering at his gaze. She didn't know what he wanted, had made it clear he didn't  _ want  _ anything. But he still watched her with her friends - as if he had never seen such a thing before.

After an hour, she noticed that he had finally turned around, sliding a few bills across the bar to Poe, before leaving the bar without another look back at her.

It wasn't right - he couldn't leave - and with that traitorous thought her body responded by sliding off the stool and following him out, ignoring how rude it was to just leave without saying anything to her friends. But there was something-

"Hey!" She shouted, needlessly loud for someone who was just a few steps in front of her. His now-familiar back walking down the sidewalk - she wondered where he was headed. Another bar, somewhere far from temptation? Home, to his wife?

He froze at her voice and turned slowly, seemingly cataloguing everything about the moment as a quick breeze blew the small wisps of hair that had escaped her bun across her forehead.

"Leaving so soon?"  _ Why was she here. _

His stare seemed to deepen, "Disappointed?"

"I might be."  _ What are you doing. _

It seemed to be the words he needed, walking slowly towards her, following as she backed up against the front wall of the bar. Her heart was pounding as if she had never picked up a stranger in a bar before, but there was something about him - the intensity between their bodies - that made her nervous.

He said nothing else, hands bracing themselves on the wall on either side of her body, watching her lips. His looming presence filled her with an unexpected warmth, shooing away the voice in her head that told her not to do this. That this was more complicated than she wanted it to be.

But as his lips met hers, soft and undemanding - almost hesitant - Rey knew it was exactly where she needed to be. Her body responded with the opposite reaction - her kiss was needy, demanding, hard as she pulled him closer, huffing as she felt him grunt into her mouth from surprise. Her arms wrapped around his neck, holding him close as his tongue slid against hers, soft yet unyielding.

It was nothing like she expected from a married stranger in a bar, who was probably there for just this moment. It was soft, passionate, as if he was cherishing just touching her lips. Being right here, instead of pushing hurriedly for the inevitable next step with much less clothes.

Her lips pulled away, sliding down the skin of his jaw to his neck, letting her teeth drag against his skin; he bent down, catching her mouth and mumbling, "No marks" against her lips. She shuddered with the reminder that this was just a fleeting thing for both of them.

It's what she needed - what he needed.

Bricks pressed into her back as she moaned into him, aligning himself with hers; he has to bend over to kiss her, but didn't seem to mind. He was probably used to it. Though his body was bowed, his hips pressed into hers perfectly, making her moan.

He didn't seem to be beholden to the 'no marks' policy as his mouth began to nibble on her ear, dragging his teeth to the soft skin of her neck before sucking hard, making her gasp. Her hands pulled at the hair that brushed against her face as he sucked marks into her skin, something she  _ never  _ let happen. But with him, it was nothing - effortless,  _ needy.  _ She needed his teeth, his mouth on her skin. Wanted to be known by him.

He began to press between her legs methodically, pushing up and in, making her groan. Tugging on his hair to pull him away from the skin at her chest she pants, staring at his wide eyes, "Not here."

The question lingered between them, yet another moment where either could choose to stay and tumble down the rabbit hole - or leave unsated, but not guilty.  _ Then where? _

He said nothing as she pushed him back slightly, allowing her body to slide down to the ground. She took her hand in his, sliding a few steps back towards the corner - on the other side of which lay her apartment. He allowed her to pull him with her, neither one releasing their hands, fingers quietly entwined around each other. It wasn't necessary, logically. But her skin seemed to burn for his and couldn't let go - and he didn't pull away. She wondered if it was the same for him.

The walk was quiet except for the hard breaths of desire and the sound of her blood rushing through her head with every stroke of his finger against her palm. She took the stairs by two, eager to be inside and fully his.

Rey unlocked the door and turned to stare at him, backing up as she let him in. Once the door closed and locked he seemed suddenly shy, completely unsure as she turned to him with a smile.

She's determined to have him, knows he wants it, and walks slowly towards him, sliding her hands underneath his to pull down the leather jacket that had taunted her all night. He's breathing heavily as her fingers dance around the edge of his soft t-shirt, cold fingers sliding against skin that felt  _ hard.  _ Her hands pressed against his stomach as she gripped the edges of his shirt, pulling it off effortlessly as he raised his arms silently for her.

His eyes didn't seem shy anymore, but instead desperate as he stood still, watching Rey as she licked her lips when her fingers hit the belt buckle around his waist.

Hands raised slowly, pulling hers away as he deftly unbuckled and slid out of his jeans, making her breath quicken as she finally saw the hard erection he had teased her with, trapped but peeking through his boxer briefs.

She can't seem to tear her eyes away from what she knows is under there, ripping her shirt and jeans off with little finesse. Rey heard a soft groan, but all she focused on was her hands as they pressed against his clothed cock, lips hitting his chest as she palmed it slowly.

"I don't know what this is," he murmured as he leaned in to kiss her, body pressing into hers, a soft thrust against her palm.

Rey's mind raced with his words, finally pulling away and smiling softly, "Me either."

Her voice was breathy, more so than usual - her head dizzy with lust as he stared at her, hands gripping her arms, flexing hard with each breath he took.

Tired of waiting, she took his hand and guided him to her bedroom before turning to watch him as he stood in the doorway, transfixed. She smiled at that, taking a few steps inside, eyebrows arching in invitation as the distance grew and it's as if something snapped and his body is there, committing to her  _ finally _ . Two heavy steps and he was there again, hesitancy gone as he pushed her back on the bed, almost flinging her carelessly.

Her body jostled with the force of his shove and he watched her movements with wild eyes.

"I guess you know what you want now," she says confidently, spreading her knees slightly as if she needed things to be even  _ more  _ clear.

He growled at that, ripping down the last item of clothing that separated his skin from hers, but he left little time for her to appreciate the length of his erect cock as he climbed over her, hands resting on either side of her shoulder.

Their breaths seemed to sync up as they stared at each other - and she knew somehow he could feel her racing heart before even touching her chest. This had already lasted longer than some of her usual encounters, and with far more interesting developments - like the way his fingers brushed down her cheek and neck, feeling her pulse point.

And then they're kissing, and she forgets anything but his lips on hers, his demanding groans as he goes down to his elbows and blissfully she feels his skin against hers again. His body was coiled and strong, pressing into her hips, feeling him  _ right  _ where he belonged.

They lay that way for minutes, his hips slowly grinding against her as their tongues melded together in hot breaths. He pulled away and she gave him a lazy smile, arms wrapped around his neck, "I guess I know why you were drinking alone now."

His body freezes, eyes closing at her words, but all he said was " _ That's not what this is." _

He shook his head, pinning her down with a desperate look in his eyes, as if he couldn't believe she would even suggest that he had been  _ looking  _ for something like this. Rey tried to reconcile that with what the facts spelled out - no married man went to a bar just to drink by himself, right?

But she remembered his dismissal of her from the beginning, though he clearly had been watching and aware. How he left without speaking another word to anyone - one beer and he was gone.

Her fingers combed the loose hairs at the nape of his neck, contemplating. The silence went on too long to be anything but heavy, meaningful.

He rejects it, flipping her over onto her stomach in a swift movement that knocked the breath out of her lungs, "Oh."

He said nothing else after that, ripping her panties off of her legs, pulling her flush with his cock, making her yelp in surprise as she realized just how  _ big  _ he was. His fingers danced between her legs, tips sliding effortlessly around her clit and to her folds, a small grunt and thrust as he realized how  _ ready  _ she was.

And then she felt his tip prod her lips and without missing another moment, he pushed in, hard but slow - knowing she would need adjustment. Rey keened, face pushing into the pillow as he slid to the hilt, his balls slapping up against her clit.

"Oh  _ fuck,"  _ he groaned as she looked back at him, lids heavy with feeling. And then he lost himself in her, gripping her hips tight against his own in a relentless rhythm. Her hands ripped the sheets beneath her, feeling the stretch of his cock inside, each swell and thrust making her buck back into him, rewarding her with a deep grunt each time.

She could never get enough of this and that thought immediately terrified her, clenching around him unexpectedly. He moaned, bending over her to suck the base of her neck, tongue sliding against her skin.

His body pushed her flush with the bed, pinning her as his hips thrust at a delicious angle, "Don't stop, please-"

In the back of her mind she slowly realized they didn't even know each other's names and she cried out in frustration; she  _ needed  _ to hear her name on his lips, that voice rolling through her mind. Needed something to replay in moments of desire, because this would surely be on repeat.

His hand moved beneath her, finding her clit again, circling it in time with his increasingly erratic thrusts - words were lost by that time, her body replete with desire and a singular need to come around him.

"Come on, sweetheart, you can do it - focus on my cock," his breathlessness made her scrape against the bed, thrusting her hips into his hand, needing more pressure on her clit as he fucked deep inside of her, pressing against something that made her throat constrict each time.

"Yes," he hissed as she began to flutter around him, body tensing and convulsing underneath his own. He pushed harder into her, the feeling of her coming on his cock driving his need. Her body collapsed and went limp underneath him as he froze and groaned, his cock swelling as it spurt into the condom.

For once Rey lamented its necessity. She felt a primal need to be covered by his cum; she wanted him to spread it along her skin, to be marked.

The thought was alarming - she didn't want anyone tied to her. Friends were enough in the end, relationships weren't worth it - but right now, she wanted to  _ belong  _ to him.

At that, she pulled away from him, sliding away with ease as he responded, lifting himself off of her. Rey sat against the headboard, knees pulled up to her chest as she watched him with wary eyes.

This had been a mistake.

Ben rolled over, pulling off the condom and disposing of it as she simply sat there in a stunned silence, working overtime to build a wall of indifference back up. But when he laid down on his side, lifting himself on an elbow as he simply watched her, she found it impossible to not return the stare.

His hand twitched as if he was trying to control the urge to touch her, but everything about her body screamed  _ stay away  _ and so he let his hand rest against the sheet. But his body was open to her, the hard planes of his chest and arms mesmerizing, his cock still half-hard and glistening. Everything about him screamed desire.

"I have to go soon," he finally murmured, breaking the silence. Rey looked at him then, realizing she didn't want him to go - needed something more.

She slid down, facing him full on as her eyes roamed his face. His arm brushed against her bare hip hesitantly, watching her face for any sign of resistance as he pulled her flush with him. Rey shuddered at the contact, softer than before, more terrifying. His fingers traced along the curve of her hip up to her neck, and finally her cheek as he pulled her in for a soft kiss.

They stayed like that for minutes, lazy lips sliding against each other, pressing kisses along her jawline and down her neck.

He gripped her leg, pulling it over his hip to fit between her, rubbing his cock against her clit in a way that made her shiver.

"I need to be inside you," he murmured against her skin, feeling the way she shuddered from the words.

"Yes," was all she said as she gripped his cock, lining it up as he slid into her, making them both groan.

He held her tight against him, each roll and thrust of his hips slow, the delicious pressure making her body feel heavy. She pulled herself up higher, climbing his body as her arms wrapped around his shoulders, puffs of breath against his throat from each thrust.

It was a slower build, the fire inside of her growing from a small ember into a roaring bonfire. It had never been like this before and she was almost regretting it until he rolled onto his back, pulling her with him. He watched her with awe as she slid her hips against his, finding just the right pressure for her clit against him.

His hands slid into her hair, her eyes shut as she chased the feeling, his thrusts becoming harder and harder, lifting her up with their force.

His thumb slid between them, adding much needed pressure with each swirl of her hips into him.

"One more time for me," his voice was ragged and if she had not been so close she would have heard the pain in it.

But then it was over, cresting down the spiral path of desire, slumped against him as he thrust once, twice, and a final time, feeling his cock swell with his orgasm.

This time, Rey didn't run away, instead she laid on top of him, feeling his hands rest gently on her back as they caught their breath.

"Can I know your name?" He says it so softly that she almost doesn't hear him, lulled by the strokes against her skin. It's as if he doesn't want to overstep or scare her into giving what shouldn’t feel like such intimate knowledge, but somehow is.

"It's Rey," she mumbles against his chest.

"I'm Ben," was all he said in return. And knowing that made her tense, finally pulling away and rolling on to her back.

He seemed to understand and after a moment he sat up on the bed, pulling his underwear back on as she watched the muscles in his back twist with the movement. He turned back to her and she stared at the ceiling resolutely.

"I have to-"

"Ok, bye." The words rushed out before he could continue and she felt him frown, but couldn't look at him again. It was too much.

Rey jumped slightly when his hand rested over hers, quietly squeezing in understanding before he pulled away and left the room.

She listened to him dress in the hallway before hearing the door softly open and click shut, leaving her alone with her racing thoughts.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Rey tried to convince herself that it had not been as intense as her mind remembered. It was a good fuck, sure, but so were other guys in her past - and he was far more complicated. They hadn't left her terrified at least.

She wasn't even sure that was the right word for it, but eventually the fear faded - though she watched the door to the bar open and close every time they were there, wondering if he would come back.

With each passing week it became clear that he had been there just for that - for a quick fuck from someone not his wife and Rey grew bitter. It's not as if she expected anything - but the thought that he had lied to her made her stomach crawl.

And then one night as she sat with Rose waiting for Finn he walked in, same leather jacket and boots, hair mussed in a purposeful way and she lost her breath. She watched as his eyes roamed the fairly empty bar until he saw her; he stood there as she watched him, calculating.

It wasn't as if she had never had one night stands before, even from this very bar - but he pulled her to him with some quiet magnetism that she couldn't push away from.

He broke their stare, wandering to the bar - but he didn't sit, just accepted the beer Poe handed him and turned. Straight for her. Rey sat straight up, barely listening to Rose as she talked, locked onto Ben's body as he came closer.

"Hi," he greets them both simply, taking a sip of his beer as Rose realized someone was talking to them.

"Hi!" Rey didn't say anything as she gripped the bottle of her beer so tight her knuckles were white from the strain.

"I'm Ben," he reaches out to shake Rose's hand and she launched into a conversation with him that he smiled good-naturedly through until he finally turned to Rey, who couldn't find her voice if she wanted to. "And who's this?"

"Oh, that's Rey - she's my best friend. Also single," Rose chimes in, seemingly oblivious to her currently paralyzed friend.

Rey sputtered at that, "Rose!"

"What, you are! And he's not here to talk to me," Rose chattered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Ben smiled, "How do you know I don't want to talk to you?"

"Because you've barely looked at me."

He seemed mollified, "I apologize for my rudeness, Rose. It's just that Rey and I have met before."

Rose's eyebrows raise as she looks to her friend who gave her a weak smile; she knew what that meant and pat Rey's hand, sliding out of the booth. "I'm going to wait for Finn at the bar."

And she left just like that; Rey cursed herself for her fear, she's not usually like this, but something about this scared her.

"May I sit?" Ben gestured to the spot where Rose had been and Rey simply nodded, not knowing a way out of this conversation - if she even really wanted one.

"What are you doing here?" She finally spat out after minutes of uncomfortable silence.

He shifted, palms down on the table as she stared at him, the dark eyes and full lips she didn't get to fully experience. But mostly she just kept staring at the ring that was still on his finger, drawing his own eyes to it. He didn't move them away.

"I wanted to see you again," he said simply, as if it was just that easy. And maybe it was, could be.

"Aren't there other women you could see?" She said bitterly, not understanding why.

"Just you, Rey."

The finality makes her shiver as she considers it.

She said nothing and he finally let out a sigh, pulling out a pen and writing something on a napkin. He slid it over to her and stood up, "That's my number. Let me know. I'll be waiting."

And he leaves. Rey sat there staring at the napkin, barely registering Rose's return. She shoved the napkin into her back pocket before Rose could see and ask uncomfortable questions Rey wasn't ready to answer.

There was no way she could do this, not with him. Everything about it spelled disaster.

But when she got home, she placed the napkin on her nightstand instead of in the trash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the beginning! come talk to me on twitter or tumblr! @reylosource


	2. Chapter 2

It sits there for a full week, taunting her from the edge of the table. Rey can't even use the table to charge her phone because she's avoiding it; can't throw it away, can't use it. It doesn't even have his name on it, just the number, and she thinks maybe if it sits there for long enough she can forget who it belongs to.

But then she remembered the way her body felt against his, hands stroking her skin almost hesitantly, and knows she's just fooling herself.

Seven days of that torture and finally Rey calls Rose, who comes over without a single hesitation.

And she tells her - about the bar, the weird impulse that made her follow him onto the street, the quiet way they communicated without even knowing each other. The way she doesn't care about the fact that he's married, even though she should - she _knows_ she should.

"So what's the problem then?" Rose finally said as she unloaded all of her guilt.

Rey sputtered, "He's _married,_ did you miss that part?"

Shockingly, Rose simply shrugged, "Love is a funny thing - either he's an asshole who does this regularly, or there's something he's not getting from the marriage. Either way you're getting great sex out of it."

That didn't sound like her friend and she couldn't speak as she tried to process it; she was quietly hoping to be talked out of calling him and falling deeper into the pit of lust and mistakes.

"Rey, you never take anything for yourself. On the karmic balance of the universe, I say you're pretty good. Just enjoy it won't last for long anyway. Find what joy in life where you can."

Now _that_ sounded like something Rose would say. Her romantic friend never let any opportunity for love and joy pass her by, which was why she always tried to set Rey up with random men she would find at work - relentlessly romantic.

For Rey, she simply humored her - the only relationships in this world that were safe with the ones with Finn and Rose. All the others were inevitably temporary - even her fledgling friendship with Poe.

"So…I should call him?" Rey _hated_ the hesitancy in her voice, she always prided herself on her confident façade.

"Do you think he's worth seeing again, considering everything going on?"

It was a serious question, one that had been plaguing her for days, and Rose simply sat there and waited in companionable silence. Rey remembered the last few minutes, when their connection seemed to deepen until she pulled away and he left her there with an understanding stroke of his fingers.

"I think so."

* * *

The next day her head is buried in her hands as she struggles to keyword optimize yet another resume in preparation for job applications. She's _technically_ supposed to be practicing for interview questions, but-

She needed a distraction. Rey looked warily at the doorway of her bedroom and rose without a second thought, walking over to the table and snatching the offending napkin off of it before she could second guess herself.

With shaky hands, she punched in his number and then it was ringing, her blood rushing to her ears and drowning out each second.

The phone clicked on the last ring.

"Ren," a voice answered, clipped and businesslike. Rey didn't know how to speak suddenly - wait, Ren? Wasn't his name Ben?

"What is it?" the voice followed up into the silence and she let out a shaky breath, realizing what a terrible idea this had been.

"Who is this?" Where he had sounded distracted before, now it seemed his focus was entirely on the strange and silent caller.

She found her strength finally, "It's Rey."

And then it was her turn to wait in silence as he processed the new information. The sounds of an office faded away with a click of a door closing; she heard fabric shifting as a chair slightly creaked. She imagined him slumping into a desk chair, hand running through his hair as he tried to tell his stupid one night stand she was being foolish.

But that's not what he said, "You called."

And it was said with such softness, such awe, that her brain short circuited and fell against her bed, remembering.

"Was I not supposed to?" Her well-hidden insecurities crept up at the though - he had left her his number, sought her out specifically - but that had been a week ago. Maybe he had found someone else already.

Maybe he had decided his wife was enough.

"No - _yes_ \- I'm just surprised you did," his voice was quiet, pensive - a far cry from the clipped tone that had answered. "How are you? Is everything okay?"

She snorted at the thought that he cared or was even remotely worried or thinking about her until now, "I'm neck deep in resumes and interview prep so not really."

He laughed softly and she imagined him leaning back in his chair with a loose smile. She'd like to see that.

"I need a distraction."

"I see," his voice deepened immediately, making her shift a little on the bed. "And so you called me."

"Yes."

"When?" He was businesslike again and the rapid shifts left her confused, but it didn't matter.

"Now…"

He chuckled, making her ears tickle with the sound, "Someone's eager. Tonight, maybe. I'll text you if I can figure something out."

The hidden meaning rested between them - _if I can figure out an excuse to see you, to hide from my wife -_ but Rey pushed it from her thoughts. It was on him, she told herself.

"Ok," she tried not to sound disappointed at the possibility he couldn't make it - and failed, if his response was anything to go by.

"I'm glad you called, Rey. I'll talk to you soon." And the phone clicked off, leaving Rey with nothing but her fluttering stomach - _he wanted me to call. He wants me._

An hour later, he responded.

_I can be there at 8._

She almost giggled with excitement, her hands shaking as she sent him her address - he probably wouldn't remember.

_Will you want dinner?_ She asked.

_Just you._

* * *

A few minutes before 8, Rey sat nervously on the couch, hands pushing against her thighs in an effort to soothe herself. She was normally cool and collected - confident, even - but nothing about this made her feel calm. When she thought about him, or talked to him, everything inside of her bubbled up and exploded in a fit of confetti until there was nothing safe about it.

_It's just a distraction, nothing else,_ she repeated to herself over and over again. Not a big deal, she had casuals hookups before and it was possible some were married - Ben was at least up front with her about it.

A short knock at the door pulled her out of her mind and she jumped up, taking two big jumps to the door in her rush to get him inside. Where no one could see them.

She unlocked the door quickly, pulling it open to reveal a decidedly different Ben than the one she had met in the bar. He was dressed in a _very_ nice suit - one Rey knew just from glancing at that it must have been specifically tailored for him. Dark charcoal with a black tie, making her wonder what the real difference was between a tuxedo and a nice black suit.

"Hi," his voice pulled her from her thoughts and made her realize she had just been staring at him unabashedly for what was probably an embarrassing amount of time.

"Hi!" Her voice was higher than normal as she stood aside, waving him in.

He didn't walk past her, simply stopped beside her, leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. Not demanding, just a greeting. "Thank you for calling."

Rey blushed as he stepped inside, letting her close the door, her heart pounding as she realized they had to _talk_ now.

"I should thank you for answering. I'm going mad," she wanted to babble about her job search, but fell quiet as she watched him stand in the middle of her admittedly small living room, eyes roaming every piece of furniture and clothing and mess that was there. It was decidedly lived in.

"Although I can't help but feel like I'm a bit underdressed," she laughed at herself, but cut it off when he turned to look at her. His eyes roamed down her loose lounge pants and well-worn tank top, hair unwashed and in buns to keep it out of her face. Next to him, she looked like a gremlin. She never particularly cared, but the difference was stark as they stood next to each other.

"You look perfect," he spoke quietly. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable - I just came straight from work, so-"

"No," her heart pounded at the thought that he didn't want to change, or go home, just came straight to her. Because she asked him to. "It's good, you're okay. You just look…different."

He smirked, shrugging out of his tailored jacket, placing it on the back of her couch. She watched as he unbuttoned the cuffs and rolled up the sleeves to his elbows, her heart pounding at the look. His hands went to his tie and before she could stop herself she said, "No. Leave it."

Ben raised an eyebrow at her unexpected words and the implication before acquiescing. He stared at her until she fled into the kitchen, "Do you want anything to drink?"

He made a noncommittal noise that she took as a no and as she came back out with a water bottle he was sitting in her oversized chair, arms on each side, legs spread out in a way that made her heart beat faster.

"So what exactly do you need distracting from?" The question surprised her; Rey expected to fall right into bed with him, but he almost seemed interested in her. She shook her head free of those thoughts, not knowing where they came from.

Rey found herself frozen, trying to decide where to sit - the couch seemed too far away, too impersonal. The floor too…submissive.

He seemed to sense her dilemma and held out his hand, "Come here, Rey."

And she followed without any hesitation, coming to stand between his legs. His hands lightly touched her thighs, stroking them slowly as he watched her, waiting for an answer.

_Oh, right._

"I'm graduating soon, so they have us working on our resumes. And interview techniques. It's frustratingly dull and important at the same time."

He hummed, hands roaming to her hips before he lifted her effortlessly, putting her in his lap, her legs hanging off the arm of the chair. It was surprisingly comfortable and even more surprising, his hands simply went around her waist and held her there.

"I never had to properly interview for jobs," he said, opening up the conversation in a way Rey hadn't expected. Something slightly personal, something _more._

"Can you tell me how to get around them? Would be really helpful," she said wryly.

"I interned at a firm one summer," _was he a lawyer, then?_ "And one of the partners - he sort of took me under his wing. When I graduated, I accepted an offer there and I'm still there now."

"You didn't even try other places?" That definitely seemed - odd.

He simply shrugged, watching her face as she learned more about him, "It gave me everything I needed, why would I go elsewhere?"

The words hit her differently and she shifted in his lap; he picked up on her discomfort and redirected, "However, I _have_ conducted interviews. Do you want to practice?"

She'd like to do a few others things with him, like address the growing hardness beneath her legs, but something yearned for this exchange - to know more, to talk to him.

"Resumes are just keyword optimizations now," she babbled, frustrated by algorithms despite them literally being her life. "But maybe - the questions keep throwing me off, I don't know how to answer."

"You don't know or don't like talking about yourself?"

The observation made her stomach do funny things, her fingers playing with her shirt as she decided whether to answer.

"Let's start with a simple one, they usually don't ask it in such a straightforward way, but you should know the answer: what do you consider your strengths in the workplace?"

"How am I supposed to know? I've never _worked anywhere."_

He snorted, her frustration palpable, "Just tell me what your strengths are as a person and we can figure it out, Rey."

"I'm resilient," she finally ground out. "I don't let things delay me for long."

Ben watched her with interest and nodded, "That's good - in the workplace, it just means you won't let little hiccups and redirections get in your way. That's important."

This was already making her feel better and she hesitated slightly before leaning in against his chest, feeling his deep breaths rise and fall.

"And then the opposite - what are your weaknesses?"

Rey cringed, glad he couldn't quite see her face as he held her, "I don't trust people. Anyone, really. Pretty much everyone has an ulterior motive, even if I don't know what it is at first."

It was an unexpectedly vulnerable answer to give someone she had fucked once and barely said a word to elsewise, but here she was. He was quiet for a while, staring at the wall covered by bookcases.

"Maybe just say, for the interview, that you won't blindly follow, and need to have a conversation about reasoning if you ever feel uncomfortable being asked to do something."

She realized her answer was too personal, but Ben didn't seem to mind - he was just trying to keep the conversation light, she thought.

They sat there for almost half an hour with him grilling her on all sorts of questions that grew more odd with each passing minute, including a few about being shrunk to the size of an insect.

"There's no way they ask that," she protested.

"I have in fact heard that employers will ask scenario questions like that."

"Well I don't believe you," she nearly hmph'd and he laughed, shaking her body with the action. It made her feel warm.

"Ok, ok. Back to basics, then: where do you see yourself in five years?" With this one, he stared into her eyes, stroking the inside of her thigh in slow movements that made her brain warm and slow.

She couldn't think of an answer as she swallowed, her eyes lowering to his lips before she whispered, "In your bed."

His hands froze and it was as if a mask dropped over his face; gone was the almost easy way he smiled at her.

"I'm married," it was a statement with force and it made her shrink back.

"I- I know."

"Maybe you don’t understand - this isn't going anywhere _ever."_

The words were forceful and cold and she found herself getting agitated by his assumptions.

"I'm not leaving my wife for you."

And that did it. Rey scrambled off of his lap, "I don't think I ever even hinted at asking you to, _Ren."_

She threw that name out there to see if she had been right, if he had lied to her about something as basic as his _name._ He seemed to flinch, but it didn't tell her what she needed to know.

"I don't even know your real name, why would I want anything from you other than a good fuck?"

He stood up quickly, making her take a step back in surprise, "I never lied to you. My name is Ben."

She huffed, taking a step towards the hallway and away from him, but he grabbed her arm and held her there. She felt him walk up to her, felt his hand against her cheek, guiding her face to his own. Rey looked up at him, at his lips, and rose up to kiss him.

And with that, he was forgiven, lips running together in rhythm as she opened her mouth to accept his tongue, powerful and insistent. Her hands moved to his chest, tugging on his tie before her fingers moved to undo it.

"You like it?" he panted into her lips as she ripped it off from around his neck, remembering how she asked him to keep it on.

"I like taking it off," she murmured as she ripped his tightly tucked shirt out of his pants, desperate to feel the skin of his abdomen again.

He grinned against her lips before taking a step back, unbuttoning his shirt as he watched her pull her own off, exposing her hard nipples to the cold air.

His hands move to touch them reverently, "I could feel these against my chest earlier, were you wet even then baby?"

Wordlessly she gripped his hand, pulling it down underneath the waistband of her pants, "I've been ready for you since I heard your voice. So serious, Mr. Ren."

He groaned and ripped her pants down, her arousal painting her thighs already, making his pupils blow even wider.

Ben picked her up unexpectedly, "Bedroom?"

She surprised herself with a giggle as she wrapped her legs around his bare chest and nodded to the door on the left, enjoying the feeling of being carried. Instead of throwing her on the bed like last time, he laid down, feet hanging off the edge as he pulled her up to sit on his chest.

"Come here, baby," he threw the pillow to the side and laid his head flush against the bed, patting his lips with a devious glint.

She moved up, too slow for his liking and she was picked up again, knees settling on either side of his face as he pulled her flush against it.

"Oh," met his deep groan between her legs, making her grind against him without thought. This was not a position she ever particularly liked, the vulnerability too stark, but she couldn't escape his excitement - and when his tongue hit her slit a moan ripped from her throat, her body leaning back in pleasure.

His hands gripped her hips hard as he licked and sucked her relentlessly, the noises making her pant with growing desperation. She tried to roll her hips against his face, but his strength kept her still. How was he even breathing?

"Ben, please - let me," she bucked slightly again, making her needs known. He just groaned and sucked her clit into his mouth in response. But one of his hands finally released her, traveling up to brush against her breasts, pulling against her sensitive nipple and making her hiss.

How was he even breathing? She wondered. He stopped his ministrations for a moment, speaking directly into her cunt and making her shiver, "I want you to ride me."

And he pulled her body over his face, releasing her hips to do as she wanted, burying his tongue back into her soaking pussy.

Rey rolled her hips, feeling his tongue slide deeper inside her, making her moan. His nose pushed against her clit with each movement and her hands pressed against the wall. She looked down at herself as she twisted against his face, feeling the breaths and moans vibrating in her core. She gripped his hair as the feelings became more intense, pulling and thrilling herself with each grunt as her hips sped up, reckless and wild without anything to keep her body straight. His hands gripped her ass, pulling her cheeks apart with each thrust, teasing her. She would have bruises in the morning again, and something inside her thrilled with the possibility.

"Fuck, Ben, suck it, bite it," she babbled, needing his teeth to graze against her clit and he obliged, sucking it between his lips, holding it there with his teeth as he flicked it with his tongue. It was that that pushed her over, driving her cunt hard against his face, using her arms against the wall to push deeper, feeling his tongue lap every last bit of her cum out of her.

She moaned and slid off his face finally, rolling on her back as she caught her breath. He was above her in an instant, eyes smoldering as she stared at the wet glistening on his lips, nose, and chin. She gripped his jaw and pulled him in for a kiss, groaning at the taste of her arousal, sucking the tongue that had fucked her.

His hands held her face still, in control as he devoured her again. He finally pulled away, panting for breath as he leaned over her body.

They stared at each other for longer than should have been comfortable, but much like last time, they seemed to understand. He kissed the corner of her lips, cheek, jaw, down her neck reverently.

"Rey," he whispered against her collarbone. "What are you doing to me?"

It wasn't even really a question, more a statement that made her shiver with the desperation in his voice. Her hands glided through his hair absentmindedly as he sucked one mark after another into her skin. She shivered, wishing she could return the favor, but didn't want to disturb the quiet contentedness they had gained.

"I need to see you again," he mumbled against her skin.

"You're seeing me right now," she said with a wry tone that seemed at odds with the heaviness of reality.

He lifted his head up to watch her face, "I'll need more."

And her stomach constricted with breath, trying to remind herself that it was just sex - maybe not mindless animal sex, but the casual sex she always stuck to. He had made it very clear that was all it could be, but his voice made her heart patter.

"Do you have to go soon?" she murmured, running her fingers through his hair, watching as his eyes closed and he hummed in pleasure at the movement.

He sighed, pulling his phone out of his still-on pants, checking the time. She tried not to watch his face as he checked his messages, tried not to hope that his wife wasn't among them, asking when he would be home.

"I can stay a little longer, if you want," his eyes watched hers, leaving it up to her.

"I want," she said, strength in her voice once again. "And I think _you need."_

Her hips bucked against his hard cock and he let out a strained laugh, "Yes I do."

And when he eventually slid inside of her, she desperately tried to ignore the building feeling in her chest - how right it felt to be in his arms, how he seemed to know exactly the rhythm she needed. How he listened to her body and played it like a maestro. It filled her with equal parts terror and exhilaration

She always had problems trusting people - and in this case, perhaps it was a strength. She couldn't trust him if she wanted to survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wheeeeeeeeee
> 
> come visit me on twitter/tumblr @reylosource =)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added minor relationship tags for poe/rey and ben/kaydel. This is just to represent the fact that we'll get sOME discussion about them - however please remember I am a very possessive shipper so there will not be any in depth scenes with them, just enough to lend emotional weight to Ben & Rey's relationship. Trust me, I don't want to read about them any more than yall do.

_Good morning. I hope you slept well._

Tone was hard to discern over text and Rey squinted, wondering if he was teasing her or if it really was him reaching out, wanting her to know he was thinking of her.

That wasn't possible.

_No complaints. A little sore, though._

She smirked at herself, pleased. He had left her in bed with weak legs and bites in her skin that were slowly bruising, but she felt warm inside at it. He was well worth it - the sex was, at least. She knew nothing else about him; at least that's what she kept telling herself.

Rey bit her lip as the silence continued, wanting to keep talking to him, but unsure how to proceed. He _did_ initialize it after all.

_What about you? How did you sleep?_

She saw the typing bubbles pop up and gradually realized what she was intimating. He of course slept next to his wife, why wouldn't he? Why would she even bring it up?

Rey technically didn't bring it up, but it was too close - her mind racing with images and thoughts of him sleeping curled up to his faceless, nameless wife, sleeping soundly and contentedly. Was he happy?

She shook her head as the typing bubble went away and she was met with silence the rest of the day.

* * *

Her fingers itched the next day, wanting to reach out and have _some_ communication, but nothing seemed safe - no topic that didn't roll back into something personal.

Rey had no experience in these things - she had become friends with Finn and Rose through sheer force of will from both of them. It had taken months to really learn anything about them, she wasn’t used it this at all.

So she did what any college student with a degree in computer engineering would do: Google it.

_Questions to get to know someone_

Silently promising to never tell Rose the extent of her desperation - what did Rey care if she talked to him outside of arranging meet ups? - she clicked on the first one, a list of 100 questions. These looked safe.

And so she began.

_If you could live anywhere, where would it be?_

She found herself biting her thumbnail as she fiddled with her phone, ignoring the piles of study material she should be focused on. Finals were just a few short weeks away and she was on the edge of _summa cum laude_ and nothing was taking that from her.

After five long minutes she saw the typing bubble pop up.

_I already live where I want to be._

She rolled her eyes.

_Just play along, surely there's some place that's second best. Imagine if you didn't have to work and could just spend time anywhere forever._

_Denmark._

_But…why?_

_Are you judging my choice of location?_

_I just expected somewhere…warmer, luxurious._

_It's quiet and no one would bother me._

Rey smirked, having no trouble believing that would be his number one priority in a place of living. She wondered where he lived now, given how large the city was.

_Why do you ask?_

_Just curious. What song do you sing at karaoke?_

_I don't do karaoke._

She sighed, frustrated.

_Never? Even I've done karaoke._

_You're a bit more free than I am, Rey._

Rey pulled her lips in thought at that, wondering what he meant. Not for the first time - really since he answered his phone in that clipped voice, she thought perhaps he was different than he was showing her. Colder, more restrained.

Hard to believe that when each touch left a firebrand against her skin.

_If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?_

_Lemon chicken._

It was hard not to snort at such a basic answer, but for once he answered straightforwardly and she drank in the new information.

So it went on like that for the entire day, well into the evening. He never asked her anything, only answered. Rey tried not to think about why.

* * *

_You bought me a box of condoms???_

The text came through in early afternoon, just home from class. A box had been sitting good naturedly in front of her doorway and she kicked it in, not bothering to pick it up.

_Technically I bought them for myself, they're just in your safe keeping._

Rey huffed at the presumption, or tried to. She mostly felt excited at the sign he intended to keep doing this. They hadn't spoken about a next time yet, seemingly content to answer her barrage of get-to-know-you questions.

_What was wrong with mine?_

Nothing at all, she thought - they were generic and went on fine, what was the problem? She didn't need fancy _for her pleasure_ ones.

_They didn't fit right._

_I know it can be hard to find the right fit when you're so small._

She bit her lip as she watched the typing bubble pop up and fade repeatedly, knowing she was playing a dangerous game.

_What's with the book?_

She moved on as if she hadn't gracefully insulted the size of his dick and pulled out the unoffensive book that was also in the package: _StrengthsFinder 2.0_

_HR recommended it for new graduates, do the assessment. It's common, we do it here._

_Was that your way of asking for a reminder, Rey?_

His response was not quite what she expected, but it made her warm. What kind of reminder?

_Yes, can you come over?_

Her fingers shook slightly as she cursed herself for being so needy. This was the exact _opposite_ of what a casual sex affair was supposed to be. She needed to talk to Rose.

_Not for a few days. Would you like to see it?_

She gasped, swallowing her shock. He was _definitely_ suggesting a dick pic. She never had any interest in them, especially after her attempts with Tinder hookups. But the idea of him sending one _just for her_ to tide her over was enough to have her fingers fly across the screen.

_Please._

Five minutes later she's staring at it, a big dick held by an even bigger hand. Fingers that had been inside of her, on her skin. It was hard, red - _ready._ Her eyes traced the vein to the tip, the slight curve that hit her just right as he thrust inside. They've only been together twice and already she could think of little else. How would anyone ever compare?

_I want to suck it._

Her face flushed at the cheesy line, but it was the only thing she could think about. When could they meet again? She needed a timeframe stat.

_I can't wait to see you choke on my cock, sweetheart. I'll call you tomorrow evening. Be ready._

Call? Her stomach dropped. She wanted to see him, wanted it inside of her - on her skin, sliding between her legs. But still - it would have to be enough.

* * *

Finn and Rose were at her place the entire day after, studying for their one common final, but Rey was buzzing, wondering what time _evening_ would be. She didn’t want to text him, there was a charge around that conversation that she didn't want to see released. Not yet anyway.

"So, Poe was thinking about coming out with us for our post-finals celebration," Finn started slowly, and Rey could feel the forced casual nature of it and braced herself.

She did _not_ want to think about this right now. Rose sighed and pushed her boyfriend's shoulder, telling him _no._

But for once he didn't listen, "I think you would really like him, Rey, if you gave him a chance - he's a lot of fun."

And Rey _knew_ that, but how many times did she have to say she didn't want anything like that? Not with Poe - not with anyone.

"I'm not ready for a relationship like that, Finn," she spoke quietly and Rose shot her a look, one eyebrow raised. Rose knew about Ben, almost encouraged it, but the look on her face told her she was just as worried as Finn was about Rey's stubbornness.

They just wanted her to be happy, especially after everything, but she had finally found a happy medium in her life that left her both sexually satisfied and free. And if it was with a married man, who cared? It was never going anywhere - Ben had emphasized that _multiple_ times. She didn't know who he was trying to convince, she was pretty clear on it.

"We just want you to be happy, Rey," Rose reached out and squeezed her hand. "We're not saying Poe is the one or anything, but it might be good to get out and try."

"I'll think about it, now can we get back to studying? I want my evening free," she smiled quietly to herself, missing Rose's frown.

* * *

An hour after they finally left Rey was sitting nervously along her couch, picking at her loose capri lounge pants. It was nearly seven, didn't that count as evening? Would he be at home? Where was he?

Her phone rang and his name popped up, making her flush with anticipation.

"Hi," she answered, hating how breathless she sounded already.

"You think my cock is small, Rey?"

The thunder in his voice went straight to her core and she shuddered, "No."

"You seemed to think so yesterday, forgot all about how it filled every last inch of you repeatedly. Forgot how wide I had to spread your legs just to push the rest inside," he seemed controlled, reminding her of that first call, making her stomach flip.

"I just needed a reminder," was her half-baked answer, she was lucid enough to realize it made no sense.

"You could have _asked_ for one, sweetheart," he hummed. "But instead you chose to play with me."

She had and she knew it, but if this was what came out of it, this voice - she couldn't quite care.

She heard the tell-tale sign of an office chair leaning back and her heart raced, _was he in his office?_

"Where are you?"

"I'm in my office waiting for you to tell me how much you need my cock."

She was at a loss for words, hips shifting lower on the couch; no one had ever talked to her like that before and Rey - she liked it. _Desperately._ It should have been awkward, stupid - but it wasn't.

"I've been thinking about it all day," she whispered into the phone as her hand stroked her clothed thigh, nervous. "I tried to study, but all I could think about was what time you'd call."

"Did you like the picture I sent you?"

"Yes," she swallowed. "Very much. I've never wanted one before."

He growled at the insinuation she had received _others_ and that they had been _unwanted._ Rey couldn't tell if it was an indignant or jealous growl, but it hit her cunt all the same.

"Just mine?" She could almost see him leaning back, hear the slight unbuckling of his belt.

"Only you."

He hummed and they sat in silence, Rey shifting under the scrutiny. He couldn't even see her, but felt his eyes on her anyway.

"Where are you, Rey?"

"I was waiting on my couch."

"Mm, waiting for me. I like that," he hummed. "Go lay on your bed, wouldn't want your couch getting messy."

The odd concern for the wellbeing of her couch made her smile even as she stood up on shaky legs before flopping down on the bed.

"I want you to slip off those pants you like so much, the short ones. I want your pussy open and bare."

"How did you-"

How could he possibly know what she was wearing? He'd only seen these once.

"I want your hands stroking those pretty tits of yours, Rey," he continued as if nothing had happened. Singularly focused.

She slid the phone onto the bed, hitting speaker as she palmed her breasts, nipples already sensitive to touch as she hissed at the slight pain.

"Sensitive, sweetheart?" He didn't even wait for a response, "You must have needed me desperately. I'm sorry I'm not there. I would slide my tongue around your nipple, soothing it before I sucked it into my mouth."

Rey whined, licking her fingers and dragging them around her nipples in a poor attempt at mimicking what he would do. The spit dried on the cold air and she whimpered. "It's not enough."

"Take them between your fingers, roll and twist them together. Imagine my hands pressing into you, teeth sharp around your hard nipples."

His breathing became more labored and Rey focused momentarily on the sound, hearing a slight stroking of skin and her mouth curled.

"Are you fucking yourself in your office, Mr. Ren?"

The gasp of surprise made her smile as she pulled her shirt off, sliding one hand down her stomach. Fingers pressed between her legs, not as large as she needed, but it was enough for now.

"My cunt is so wet for you, Mr. Ren, it seems such a waste for just my fingers…"

He groaned and she smiled wickedly, her hips canting up as she slid inside, thumb gently circling her clit. They laid there in silence, Rey drinking in every soft stroke she heard.

"I wish I could be there, sweetheart. I want to see exactly what you like, your little fingers disappearing between your legs, the pressure you want on your clit. Did you like when I sucked it, Rey?"

Her breath hitched, "Yes."

"Humm," strokes became harder, interspersed with grunts as she planted her feet on the bed and pushed up into her hand with the same rhythm.

"I want you writhing beneath me, moaning into my skin. I want to feel your teeth and nails drag against me as I drive into you," she heard the smacking clearly now and moaned, increasing her speed. "I want to hear you fuck yourself, Rey."

She had to blink to process the request and then blushed hard, placing her phone low on her abdomen. Rey pushed in slowly, nervous again, "Come on sweetheart, let me hear you."

His voice made her eyes roll back in a moan and she thrust up, hearing the squelch as he fingers slid into her wet cunt. It was lewd, and she had never found the noise hot in any way, but hearing it - thrusting for him, listening to his breathing get heavy and his own skin slapping. It made her keen, "Ben, please - I need-"

"I know what you need. You need this cock inside you, spreading you open, hitting places you can't hit with those little hands of yours."

He was aggressive, growling, and she slapped her nipple, imagining him.

"What was that, sweetheart? Greedy girl, have you been bad?"

"Yes…"

"Teasing me, when you know my cock is just the right size for you. Isn't it?"

Yes," she arched her back, hand becoming sore from the pace she had set, but needing it. Her fingers slipped back and forth across her clit, spread wide as it was exposed to the air. "Oh Ben, please - please please please."

"That's my Rey, flick that clit, I want to fuck you with my tongue as you come. Come, come, come."

He panted, a loud cry hitting her ears, "I'm so close, Rey, let me hear you - I _need_ you."=

Her eyes fluttered closed as she focused on the cacophony of sounds swirling in her bedroom; they should have made her blush, but she was too far gone - too far gone with _him._ She fucked herself with one hand and the other dragged a light fingernail across her clit, making her hips jerk with each movement. It came rushing down on her, her body twitching as she let out a high pitched cry.

He must have known, somehow, and his strokes quickened until he let out a loud, " _FUCK."_

Vaguely, in the back of her mind, she hoped no one was at the office still. But perhaps that's why he had chosen such a time.

Rey leisurely stroked herself as her body kept up with the ripples of post-orgasm haze, listening to him catch his own breath.

"Fuck, Rey."

She smiled deviously as she wiggled naked on her bed, imagining his harried look. "I hope you won't get in trouble, Mr. Ren."

"No one's here. They wouldn't hear me anyway. Office is too large, soundproof."

What an odd thing to need for an office, but she continued lazily drawing figures on her stomach, content and sated for the time being.

"When can I see you again?" She asked finally.

"This wasn't enough?" He asked wryly and she rolled her eyes. He needed his ego stroked apparently, after her joke.

"It was…nice. But nothing compares, really."

It felt as if she were letting him in on a huge secret, and Rey held her breath to see how he would respond.

"I know what you mean," he murmured. "How about the day after tomorrow? Around 8?"

"Bring dinner," she said and he laughed, agreeing.

"Do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"Take a picture of that pretty cunt of yours right now, I want something to tide me over. If you're okay with that," the last part was rushed out, as if he realized he might be asking too much. But she simply smiled into the air.

"Alright." She hesitated and he seemed to notice, pushing her to say whatever she needed. "Aren't you worried about our messages?"

She didn't have to explain. Anyone who looked at his phone conversations would find evidence of a _very_ explicit affair - why wasn't he worried? Should _she_ be concerned?

"No one's going to be looking at my phone. They wouldn't dare."

The darkness in his words made her stomach clench with something - desire or unease, she wasn’t sure. He seemed to turn on a dime.

"Send me that picture. I'll be thinking about you, Rey."

And with that he hung up, leaving her with a warm feeling of contentedness. She fumbled with her phone, taking her first lewd picture ever before blushing at the sight of her aroused pussy.

She sent it off before she could think better of it, flushing a few minutes later at his response.

_Perfect._

* * *

A few days later, he's barely grazed his knuckles against the door and it's wide open. She drinks him in, casually clothed this time, hair messed back by the wind - or his hands. He smiles at her, holding the box of take out in front of him.

"Oh thank god, I was starving."

He seemed to ignore the double meaning and chuckled, "I'm beginning to realize that you're always in the mood to eat."

Rey blushed and nodded, "I have a large stomach. Hard to feel full, always snacking on something."

"Indeed," he murmured, his hand resting on her neck as he leaned down to kiss her softly, tongue briefly sliding against her lips before he pulled away. Just a promise, a greeting.

"I'm glad you could make it," she says eagerly as she walks over to the TV, pulling up Netflix.

"What did you decide we should watch?" He dumped various vegetables on his plate as she pulled up the show.

"Vikings!" No regard for the plate, she snatched a box of lo mein and settled onto the couch. He brought his full plate and sat flush up against her, frowning.

"There's a show called Vikings? What made you choose it?"

Rey blushed at being called out, "It's set in Denmark. I looked into shows about it and-"

He pulled her face to him and kissed her deeply, nearly forgetting the food on their laps. She opened her mouth and sucked on his tongue, delighting in the way his hand tightened on her jaw.

"I can't wait," he said quietly, pulling away. Her lips were swollen and she licked them before turning back to the TV and pressing play.

It was far better than she had anticipated, and he seemed to agree, pulling her in as she curled next to him, watching as the world of the Vikings unfolded before them.

"You would be a fierce Shield-Maiden like Lagertha," he said quietly during the second episode. It warmed her and she felt her eyes growing heavvy.

Somewhere between the return from England in episode three, she slipped into sleep against him, all plans for the evening forgotten in his warm embrace. She vaguely registered being lifted and settled into her bed, a pair of lips pressing against her temple.

She woke up alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. Vikings is a very good show and if you've seen it I bet you can guess why I chose it for these two. You'll see later, if not.
> 
> Come talk to me on twitter/tumblr! @reylosource


	4. Chapter 4

Rey had always enjoyed being alone - her privacy was something to be cherished after years of foster homes; but waking up alone when she knew he had been there with her made her stomach flip a little.

It wasn't as if he could ever stay the night - not that she really wanted him to, but Rey found herself in a daydream about it as she made herself breakfast.

Her phone was silent, not surprising given the hour, and her fingers twitched to text him.

He seemed so sure that no one would look at his phone, but the fear was enough to hold her back momentarily.

An hour later, she slipped out of her apartment on her way to class, the text notification somehow echoing as she stood on the bus despite the city noise.

_Good morning._

Her heart fluttered and her hand twisted on the bar above her, grip slipping slightly. He was thinking about her - what was she supposed to say? Nothing in her history had prepared her for the casual sex object to engage in conversation - Rey swallowed, resolving not to respond.

Distance, she chanted in her mind. Instead, she flipped to her conversation with Rose.

_Study date thursday, for machdesign?_

It was the only class they had in common, given their divergent specialties, but she needed time with her friend - apart from Finn. Rey wasn't ready to tell anyone else about it, and Finn wouldn't understand.

Rose did, even though she came from a loving home with a sister and parents, she understood Rey's distance - and conflicting, simultaneous need for love. It was why she always set her up, an unwavering hope that she would strike true one day.

_I'll bring the alcohol._

Rey grinned as she stepped off the bus, sliding her phone back into her pocket, unanswered messages successfully pushed to the back of her mind.

* * *

Days later and now several messages sat unanswered, but Rey doggedly focused on preparing for her fifth interview - this time with a law firm. It wasn't exactly glamorous work, IT, but it was a good entry level job and would allow her time to work on her design project before next year's internship round.

It hadn't escaped her that she was interviewing with a law firm and Ben most certainly _worked_ for one, but there was the unspoken rule about such personal information and she pushed away the urge to ask him for more advice. Maybe he even knew the place - could tell her how to tailor her answers.

But she didn't even know his last name, helping her with something that specific was certainly stepping over the line.

A line she had imposed, but he clearly appreciated.

_Can I call you tonight?_

Rey stared at the message - all the unanswered ones - and sighed, answering before she could think twice.

_Why?_

_I miss your voice._

She sucked in a breath, tossing her phone to the edge of the couch, staring at it as if it might crawl back towards her, demanding an answer.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to watch shows with him, eat dinner next to him - miss him. And he _certainly_ wasn't supposed to act like this with _her_.

"OPEN UP!" Rose shouted from the hallway, shaking Rey from her thoughts as she opened the door for her friend.

"Oh thank god, save me please," she tried to sound calm and collected, but by the look on Rose's face it was clear she had sounded anything but.

Desperately, probably.

Rose threw her backpack on the couch and held up the bottle of tequila, "Guess we're getting started early then."

A few shots later and it was clear Rey was _not_ going to study anything of great importance that night, and Rose nursed her own glass as she watched.

"So what's wrong then?"

Rey groaned, head flopping back to rest against the edge of the couch, "I think I like him, Rose."

"Who, married guy?" She just nodded and Rose was quiet for a minute. "You don't even really know him, Rey. You've just never been with someone repeatedly, in even a casual way. This is normal."

"It's normal to think about them all the time?" Rey latched on to some explanation other than the one she feared - that she really did care. Because caring meant _pain._

"It's basically the honeymoon period - you've had sex a few times, talk a little outside of it, it's the closest thing you've had to a real relationship. It takes years to recognize the phases, trust me."

Rey idly wondered how Rose was so well-versed, seeing as how she had only ever dated Finn - and had been with him for the three years she's known her.

"My sister Paige has had a lot of relationships," Rose continued, answering the unspoken question. "I go through this with her a lot. It's just early infatuation, it'll wear off."

"But what if it doesn't?"

"You need to draw some lines, boundaries - _especially_ for Mr. Married."

"Can you not call him that? His name is Ben," Rey shifted uncomfortably at the reminder of what she was doing.

"Sure, but Rey - he _is_ married, don't forget that." Her voice was gentle in the rebuke and Rey nodded, "Anyway, draw some boundaries. This isn't a relationship, this is sex. Conversations should be limited to that."

Rey scrunched up her face at that, "I don't want to just be some mindless sex goddess, Rose. I have to talk to him a little."

"Fine, but - don't get personal. Keep it surface level. Try to limit communication outside of your…visits."

Rey thought back to the string of unanswered text messages, to his request that he talk to her tonight.

"So I shouldn't let him call me tonight?"

Rose shrugged, "Do you want to meet up again? If so, sounds like a good opportunity to figure out when."

That didn't seem like the likely course of the conversation, but Rey agreed - it was best to just focus on logistics on these calls. But the memory of him begging to hear her fuck herself last time spread through her body and she shuddered. Maybe they could keep _those_ calls.

"But what you _really_ need is to get out. Have some fun with someone else - let's go to _The Hangar_ this weekend," her friend's voice got excited as she rushed through the last bit. "No Finn - just us, promise."

It had been months since Rey had gone out with the intention of finding someone to scratch the itch with - maybe she needed it, maybe it would shake loose the infatuation that Rose seemed convinced was just a passing mood with Ben.

"You can't afford to lose focus this close to finals - let's shake the hold a bit!"

Rose's curls shook as she gestured wildly, making Rey smile. Maybe it was a good idea, if only to spend time with her friend.

"Sure, let's give it a try."

* * *

Hours later she was more sober than she wanted to be since they had abandoned the tequila in favor of their mechanics textbook.

Rose left and Rey stood by the couch staring at where her phone had landed after being tossed aside.

_I miss your voice._

Her face scrunched up, shaking her head to rid herself of the sentimental thoughts.

_You can call if you want._

Barely five minutes later, her phone rang.

"Hi," his voice wrapped around her and she sighed involuntarily.

"Hello," she tried to keep her voice clipped, detached. _Focus on logistics,_ Rose had said.

"I thought…maybe I had pushed too much," the hesitancy in his voice made her nervous as she sat in bed, back against the wall as her fingers played with the edge of her shirt.

"What did you want to talk about?" She ignored the implied question, hoping he would take the hint.

And he does, "Can I see you on Saturday?"

The question takes her by surprise, "It's the weekend."

"Yes," it was drawn out, as if he didn't understand her confusion. But why wouldn't he understand? It was the weekend - he had no excuse to see her, nothing to give his wife to explain his absence. Lawyers didn't work weekends, right? Not in the office anyway. How would that even work?

She was silent for too long and his voice came back different. Emotionless. "It's fine, Rey. We don't have to see each other. Maybe another time."

But she heard it in his voice - the hurt; he was upset - he had no reason to be, but she felt it. Maybe she was projecting, because it hurt her just as much to say no.

"It's just - I promised Rose we would go out that night," she explained to soften the blow. It was the truth, but she let him think it was because she didn't want to see him at first, and felt bad.

"I see," the hardness edged away slightly at her explanation. "Tell her I say hello."

Rey smiled despite herself, "I'll do that."

A pause.

"Does she know about us?"

Rey sucked in a breath; he had called them an _us._ Why did that make her nervous and warm at the same time? Why had she even _noticed_ the word. Maybe it wasn't important - it was just a word to describe the situation; but - he was a lawyer. They chose words carefully.

"She does," Rey finally answered. Then, almost sharply, "Is that a problem?"

Her defenses were raised in preparation for a fight; he had no right to control who she told about her private life.

"Of course not. You trust her, I trust your discretion."

 _Discretion_ seemed like such a dirty word. But that's what was needed with secrets, right? That's all Rey was - a secret he had to hide. And in turn, she helped him hide.

Did he trust her? No, just her _discretion._ Which was fine - she didn't trust him either. Shouldn't.

"Maybe on Monday? I find myself surprisingly eager to watch _Vikings."_

The way he lingered on the word made her wonder if he was saying something else, but shook it off.

"That would be alright. I promise not to fall asleep on you this time," her face was flushed, remembering. It had almost been embarrassing how easily she had fallen asleep in his presence. He was basically a stranger.

"I didn't mind," he said clearly. "I'm sorry I had to leave you."

And there it was, statements like that made it harder to set the lines Rey knew she desperately needed.

"So Monday works - I'll see you then!" She rushed off, ending the call abruptly and setting her phone on her charging pad within seconds of each other.

She ignored the ping notifying her of a text - and the one after that - burrowing deep into the blankets of her bed until she finally succumbed to sleep.

* * *

Two hours and five shots into Saturday evening and Rey was feeling delightfully drunk; the club was only slightly blurry and Rose's smile took up most of her field of vision. She brought a beer to her lips and drank deeply, ignoring the general wisdom to not mix alcohol types. Rose was pacing herself, holding a glass of water and watching her get progressively more drunk.

"If you keep drinking you won't be able to do anything tonight," Rose chimed in eventually.

Oh. Right. _That's_ why they were here. Rey blinked and looked out at the dance floor, feeling underdressed in her tank top and jeans. She didn't even bother with a bra, but perhaps that would be a boon instead of a drawback.

"I'm fine, just had to get things kickstarted you know!"

A dark haired man walked up to their table at that, granting Rey a big smile that made her want to lean into him a little.

"Hey ladies, having a good night?"

Rose rolled her eyes when Rey bounced on her toes and nodded enthusiastically, "The _best._ Clubs are the best for forgetting, don't you think?"

He heard the unsaid words and stepped closer to her, "Then let's dance."

Rey let out a whoop and waved Rose goodbye, gripping the man's hand as she pulled him onto the dance floor. She tried to ignore his hair - the only thing that reminded her of Ben - and focused on the music, moving slowly at first until her body loosened up and her thoughts of _him_ were chased away.

This was what she needed, wasn't it? If he could fuck his wife then surely this man was fair game - and maybe she would become infatuated with him instead.

But there wasn't that draw, the underpinning of tension and curiosity that had plagued her from the beginning with him. There had always been something between them.

The stranger's hands eventually, hesitantly, touched her hips and she expected it, leaned into it. But as he pulled her closer to his chest, his lips bending to touch her skin, she recoiled; taking a step back, the music suddenly piercing her head, she pushed him off of her.

"Sorry, I need - bathroom," it was the only excuse that came to mind in her fuzzy state. What was _wrong_ with her?

_Hi_

The text was sent before she could even leave the dance floor, cursing herself for not taking Rose up on her offer to lock her phone before they left.

Instead of Rose, she headed straight for the bathroom, seeking some quiet to quell her rolling stomach and head. The press of the stranger's hands on her hips made her dive for the toilet, a spew of liquid erupting from her mouth. It was wrong, all wrong. Her head spun and she turned to sit on the toilet, resting her head in her hands and wondering how she got there.

It felt as if her life had been turned upside down in a matter of weeks and she _knew_ the cause - but still she watched her phone, desperately hoping he would respond. He hadn't texted her since she hung up on him two days ago.

_Are you busy or something?_

In her mind, the texts were perfectly coherent, but in reality she knew they were probably a mess. Just like she was.

_I thought you were out with Rose._

She was too drunk to figure out the tone of that message, _I am dancing!! Well- I was_

_She wants me to have fun, isn't that good?_

_Are you?_

She leaned against the stall as her fingers shook.

_They don't feel right._

Rey hated the truth of those words, the real reason she fled the dance floor - the stranger. The grip wasn't right, lips felt wrong. How was she already in so deep?

Rose was right, she needed boundaries - quickly. She couldn't stop now, but maybe she could put it in perspective.

She left the stall, washing her hands as she grimaced at the bloodshot eyes looking back at her, the carefully loose hair that had been mussed by the rhythm of the dancing - and the throwing up. Her eyeliner and mascara held strong, though, and she left the bathroom with her head held high. This wasn't the first time she'd drank too much at a club.

But when she got back to their table it was empty - well, there were people there, but no Rose. She watched the bar, thinking maybe Rose had gone to get a drink, but after a few minutes of roaming eyes she realized.

_I can't find Rose._

_What do you mean?_

The alcohol in her blood made her woozy and she stumbled over to the wall, ignoring his texts as she got it together.

_Rey. What's going on? Are you okay?_

_I was dancing and she's-gone she's not here oh god_

Rey slid down the wall, moving into the corner as she pulled her knees up to her chest, watching the dark strobe lights skitter across the floor. The music thrummed in her veins, but this time it only made her nauseous instead of excited.

_I'm scared_

She hated saying it, the vulnerability blatant, but Rose knew better than to just leave - where was she? Was she okay? Did someone drug her? Why hadn't she stayed? Why did they always _leave_

Her phone vibrated in her hand and she dropped it in surprise before recognizing the name.

_Ben calling…._

With shaky fingers she answers, "Hello?"

"Where are you," it was firm and straight to the point, but even in her alcohol haze she heard the desperation.

"At a club called _The Hangar,"_ she whispered, slurring between the words ever so slightly.

He cursed and she heard the beep of a car alarm, "What are you doing?"

"I'm coming to get you. Rey, go find a place at the bar and _don't leave it for any reason."_

A part of her chafed at being ordered around, but the other part - the part that made her crawl into a corner - felt warmed by it.

"Ok," she whispered, getting up and walking towards the bar on shaky legs.

"I'll be there in ten minutes," he said after a short silence. She heard a door slam shut, "Do not leave the bar, Rey. Please."

And then he was gone and she rested her head against her arms on the bartop, wondering if he lived nearby. Ten minutes. He _had_ to be close by. The idea of knowing something more about his life made her smile, sickeningly. She thought of Rose and her rules and boundaries. Where was she?

* * *

Rose appeared a while later, harried and face flushed, "REY! There you are thank _god."_

"Where did you go??" Slightly more hysterical now, Rey grabbed onto her friend's arm with both hands.

"The guy you were dancing with - he came back and said you left abruptly for the bathroom. I went to check on you, but-"

"It was too much, Rose - this is too much," she lamented, head slamming against the bar top again.

"Rey," a welcome voice spoke behind her and she turned and flung herself into his arms. This was a terrible idea, but right now Ben was _safe._ He seemed startled, but eventually his arms wrapped around her and held her as she burrowed deeper. She didn't want to think about what Rose would say. She wouldn't judge, but the _worry_ was still there.

"What are you doing here?" Rose snapped a little, voice louder than it had to be despite the music.

"Rey couldn't find you, was scared. I came," Rey pressed into his chest and felt the vibration as he spoke.

"She called you?" The annoyance was palpable, understandable even. "The whole point of this was- and the first thing she does is call you."

"What's wrong with that?" He challenged, his voice becoming harder. Rey pulled back and his hands went to her face, framing it as his eyes took stock of her bloodshot eyes and now slightly smudged eyeliner and mascara. Whatever he saw must have been enough, because he didn't ask anything else.

"She has other people she could have called."

"Is the problem that she called someone or that she called me? You're the one who left her alone and drunk," Ben was becoming agitated by Rose's annoyance and Rey could barely keep her head up. He seemed to notice and wrapped an arm around her waist as she sat on the barstool, letting her rest her head against his shoulder.

"This was supposed to be us having fun - forgetting her _problems,"_ the way she stressed the word made Rey flinch, knowing that Ben himself was the main source of the problems she was trying to forget. But in the moment she was grateful for his presence, despite the complications.

He felt right.

"She's the one who called me, Rose, I haven't done anything wrong here."

"It's becoming rapidly clear that you're not safe for her."

"I would never hurt her," Ben shouted over the music, the force of his words making Rey shudder.

"Look at her. Three weeks in and she's already calling you when she's scared. What happens next month when you remember you're married?" Rose spat, furious and scared. Rey flinched at the reminder that he was _not hers._

"I haven't forgotten," he was deathly calm and quiet, but the words carried over the noise of the club all the same. "Rey is very aware of our situation."

She tried so hard to forget it, though.

"Really? Are you sure you two don't pretend it doesn't exist? That everything is okay?"

"Why are we having this conversation in a baaaaaaaar," Rey finally spoke, exasperated and dizzy from the verbal sparring. She hated that Rose was right and saying all the things that needed to be said.

They both apparently decided to ignore her as Rose pushed on, "You're only going to hurt her if you continue like that. I want her to be happy, but she needs someone who will stay and when push comes to shove that won't be you."

"You guys realize I'm still here right, I can hear you," she mumbled, eyes scrunched closed, trying to focus on their words as she gripped the front of his t-shirt with her hand.

"I won't hurt her, I've only ever been honest with her," Ben seemed desperate then - for what, she couldn't tell. Maybe for Rose, somebody, to understand. Maybe to convince himself.

Rose snorted, "I might be drunk, but I'm not that drunk."

"Rey!" The three of them froze at a new voice and she picked her head off Ben's shoulder to stare at the interloper.

"Oh, you." She blinked, recognizing the man she had danced with.

"Hey, I've been looking for you - everything okay? You just ran off." His eyes flicked between her, Ben, and the arm wrapped around her waist, trying to piece it together. "Who's this guy?"

"I'm fine, this is Ben," was all she said.

"Her boyfriend," he added and while part of her was annoyed at the display of dominance, the other part - a large part - warmed at the idea that he would claim that position. Tears started welling up in her eyes at the idea that he might have been hers once, if things had been different.

"She never mentioned a boyfriend," the stranger huffed and Rose rolled her eyes.

"Just leave her alone please, it's not going to happen," thankful for her friend she relaxed back into Ben's chest as the stranger disappeared.

Ben's hands flexed slightly against her waist and all she could think about was how _this_ felt right - this was what she had been missing.

He leaned down to her ear, "I'm going to take you home now."

Rey nodded and slid off the barstool, giving Rose a hug who just watched her with worried eyes, but said nothing.

The walk to his car was slow on her shaky legs, but when he opened the door for her she froze.

"Are you sure about this?" The idea of even _seeing_ his car, something personal, was overwhelming at the precise moment. He drove to work in it. Had receipts stashed in it. What kind of things did he buy? Was he messy or clean? The idea of knowing these things seemed overwhelming in that moment and she took a step back.

"Rey, it's fine. You need to get home and I'll take you," the edge was unmistakable and she huffed. He sighed, his arms leaning against the door as he bowed his head.

"I can just take a cab, it's fine - you don't-"

"Get in the fucking car, Rey," it was a forceful growl that she had only encountered once, but it made her blood warm.

"You don't have to talk to me like that," she snapped even as she finally slid into the passenger seat and ripped the seatbelt away from the frame.

The door shut with a gentleness she didn't expect and suddenly he was there beside her in a car much too nice to feel comfortable in. Did his wife like it? Did she sit here?

She watched, mesmerized, as he pulled out of the parallel spot and drove down the road, hand lightly resting on the gear shift. The normalcy of it all made the tears begin to fall as she realized how such a simple thing could never be hers - driving with him, taking his hand and holding it on her thigh as he drove.

She could never truly have him.

"What's wrong?" He asked after a minute, hearing her sniffles become louder. She watched his hands grip the steering wheel and her own fiddled with her seatbelt.

"I can't keep pretending this is normal," she finally admitted, silently thanking the copious amount of alcohol in her system for the loose tongue.

"What isn't normal about this?" He edged out and Rey was shocked at his audacity.

"Are you kidding me? I'm sitting here wondering if she sits in the same spot as me, wanting to hold your hand as you drive, but knowing I can't take it. It's too close, too personal. I can't even ask you about work - or your last name. Nothing about this is normal, Ben."

That wasn't even close to everything, but it was enough for him to let out a ragged exhale as he pulled to a red light. He looked over at her and her heart squeezed; he knew what she meant.

"We have to be honest about what we're doing - everything - or I can't do it."

It was quiet then for a while, until his hand reached out to pull hers from the seatbelt, lacing his fingers with hers. He didn't say anything, but when she squeezed it tight he responded.

They drove like that the rest of the way to her apartment.

* * *

He stood behind her as she fumbled for her keys, slightly more sober - but the filter was still non-existent.

"It's my car," he spoke finally, the first time since the car ride. "Only I use it."

He was answering one of her questions without chiding her for it; he understood what she was saying and it should have made her happy, but instead it stoked her fear.

_Boundaries. Remember what this is._

She stepped into her apartment and turned around, realizing he had no intention of coming in. Her hand shot out and dragged him in anyway, slamming the door shut as her hands went to the belt around his waist.

"What are you doing?" His hands went around her own, stilling the movement.

"Thanking you," Rey shrugged, knowing nothing made sense in her drunk mind.

"You need to go to bed, Rey. You're drunk," he murmured as he wrapped his arms around her and lifted her off the floor, walking to her bedroom. Her head fell back and she sighed, frustrated that she kept fucking up the entire situation.

He laid her on top of her bed, blanket drawn back.

"Why do you have to be like this? So understanding. We both know what this is and yet you let me pretend, watch shows with me-"

She sat up, voice getting progressively louder as he stood stock still beside her, barely blinking at her rant.

"You let me fall asleep and just leave, even without-"

"I'm not an animal, Rey," he ground out, angry at the insinuation. "I don't understand, do you want me to take advantage of you? Would that make you feel better?"

 _A little,_ she thinks. But only because then it would be easy to distance herself from him emotionally. Rose had said this was an infatuation, a common thing for the beginning of relationships - or whatever this was.

Her hand went to grab his pants, pulling him closer to the bed as she unbuckled him in the blink of an eye. This would make things better - that was the point of going out tonight, to fuck and forget right?

"Rey!" He ripped her hands off of his pants, shouting at her as he stepped back. "That's enough. I'm not going to fuck you when you're drunk."

Rey huffed, flopping back onto the bed as she watched him run his hands through his hair, watched as he zipped his pants back up, trying to ignore the feeling of pride as she glimpsed his half-hard erection.

"Stay with me, then?" Her voice sounded small to her and she hated it, hated wanting it.

"I'm leaving," he said abruptly, stepping away as their eyes locked.

The anger that had simmered, anger at the unfairness of it all built up and spilled over in that moment, "Of course you are, because what good is a mistress if you can't fuck her."

She turned away from him, pulling the blanket over her head. Rey felt his eyes on her back for several long minutes, felt his angry breathing before he finally left the room. She heard nothing else as the alcohol finally dragged her under and she knew nothing more.

And if she woke up with a bottle of water and aspirin on her nightstand and a warm, empty spot beside her, she thought nothing of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this, next chapter we begin to learn more about his wife and things - in the interest of being honest about their situation, of course. so expect some feels. but also some sex.
> 
> let me know what you think! I'm @reylosource on tumblr/twitter =)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! I hope you enjoy...learning little tidbits =)

The sunlight broke through her blinds, warming her face until she couldn't ignore the growing heat anymore and rolled away, groaning as her head seemed to be on a five second delay. Her mouth was scratchy and dry and her body felt a little bit like death.

She hadn't had _that_ much to drink, but the end of the night was present and glaring in her mind. There was no confusion about _that._

The aspirin and water bottle mocked her from the nightstand, proof that he hadn't just left her high and dry - though he certainly had been well within his rights to after what she had said. She drank half the bottle before tipping her mouth back to swallow the aspirin, praying it brought her relief.

Rey fell back on the bed, moving her hand around in search for her phone.

Skimming past the barrage of texts and notifications - mostly from Rose, Rey pulled up the conversation with Ben.

No messages since he had picked her up. She hated that a part of her was desperate for him to ask if she was okay, to let him know when she woke up. If she felt better.

But that wasn't what this was and Rey had gone through an emotional metamorphosis last night to realize it. He hadn't refuted any of it, just silently accepted her conclusions - had she confused his kindness with intimacy? She cringed at her naivete and with a sigh pulled up Rose's messages.

_I can't believe you called him_

_Are you okay? CALLME_

A few other messages had followed with increasing urgency making Rey groan, her head pounding from the noise.

Her night out with Rose to shake the emotions that had been building with Ben had been a disaster and Rey was no doubt going to feel the hurt in more ways than one.

She slid off the bed and padded into the shower, that wonderful hangover cure, hot water flowing down her skin as her forehead pressed against the cool tile.

The memory of his hand around her waist, the act of proclaiming himself her boyfriend, seemed to fill her mind and leave little else, washing her body and hair on autopilot. Hands rubbing her arms, stomach, legs, trying desperately to forget the foreign need.

She had confounded her friends, almost prided herself on having no attachment to the people she slept with, but now with _him._ With _Ben_ she found herself setting dates to _watch things with_ \- the past few times she hadn't even slept with him.

Rey shut the water off, squeezing her hair gently before wrapping herself in a towel. Determined, she sent a quick text to Rose letting her know she was alive - and that she had learned a valuable lesson last night.

_Remember, boundaries._

Rose's response was to the point and Rey took a deep breath before going into the next conversation.

_Sorry about last night_

Straightforward and yet ambiguous - maybe it was a blanket apology, maybe it was specifically about being an ass when he put her to bed.

She hated how she held her phone in front of her as she dressed with one hand, hanging on a thread for a response. It was Sunday morning, maybe he slept in? What if he went to church? What if they did Sunday brunch? She knew so little - but that was perhaps for the best.

_Nothing to be sorry for_

_I understood_

His response made her heart beat faster, setting the phone on the dresser as she drew a loose t-shirt over her body, buying time so she didn't seem too eager.

She knew how the game was played, even if she had thrown out all the rules with him until now.

_Are you okay?_

Rey took a deep breath, fingers typing her response before she could think twice.

_Completely fine. Are we still on for tomorrow?_

Another date - she cursed herself and corrected - _liaison._ Rose had teased her for the word, but calling things a date implied meaning and longevity that she did not care for. Hadn't, anyway.

_Of course._

Rey smiled and purposefully left her phone on the dresser as she grabbed her backpack and hauled out her study guide as she flopped onto the couch. Finals were soon and she couldn't let herself get caught up in this so close to the end.

So she didn't hear the ping as the follow up message came in an hour later.

_My last name is Solo._

* * *

Monday evening hit and Rey was restless, the silence between them deafening since he had confessed his full name to her. It lingered there with no response the entire day, Rey trying to decide if it meant anything that he had listened to her in the car and shared something. Why did he do it? But she didn't ask, ignored - but it was two hours before he would arrive and she couldn't shake the feeling that she needed to prove to herself that it was nothing, just sex - hot, all-encompassing sex that had made her forget all about her Tinder matches that had gone ignored - and all the rules for said matches.

She didn't bother dressing for him this time, just shorts and an oversized t-shirt, her hair twirled up in lazy triple buns; an ensemble fit only for college pre-finals week. And when the knock on the door gave way to a tall man in an impeccably tailored suit, Rey licked her lips at the disparity between them.

His eyes focused on her face as she took in the slight gaps in his shirt, buttons pulled ever so slightly as he leaned against the doorframe.

"Hi," he said quietly and she grinned at him, all conflicting thoughts erased in this one moment of desire, grabbing the collar of his shirt and pulling him into her apartment without a greeting of her own. He seemed to sense the mood and stood there silently, shirt ruffled as she shut the door behind him.

Rey pushed his back against it with a firm shove before lifting onto her toes to pull him into a hard kiss, ignoring how his arms automatically wrapped around her and pulled her close. Ignoring how it felt so much like coming home.

His mouth opened to accept her and he grunted, pulling her hips tighter against his as her tongue savored the taste of peppermint on his. She lost herself in the moment, almost forgetting what she had meant to do, but Ben thrust against her gently and the reminder was pressed against her. Rey pulled away, spit drawing out between their lips, their eyes connecting. He was hungry, but she saw confusion that was quickly wiped away as she sunk down on both knees before him.

She hadn't done this for him yet and licked her lips in anticipation as she unbuckled his belt, her head full of him as he leaned against the door, hips pushed towards her mouth, watching her with heavy eyes. Rey pressed a hand against his still-clothed crotch and he hissed as she grinned.

But he said nothing, the silence oddly empowering as she slowly unzipped her pants, fingers curling around the edges against his skin, pulling down both his pants and underwear in a few violent tugs. Ben grunted as his cock was freed of the tight confinement of his boxer-briefs and Rey licked her lips at the evidence of his arousal.

"It's been awhile," she murmured as her hand took it gently in her grasp, feeling the soft skin wrapped around the firm steel.

"Yes," he responded to her unanswered question softly, fingers trailing through the few strands of her hair and down her cheek. Rey hadn't anticipated a response, but the silent confirmation that perhaps the last time he had been touched was also her last time made her determined.

She leaned forward, tongue sliding out to lick the length of his cock, thumb pressing against the tip before she took it in her mouth, sucking instinctively, listening to his groan as inch after inch disappeared into her mouth.

His fingers tightened against her cheek and jaw, the grip firm as her tongue pressed into it as she sucked, her hand around the rest of his shaft, increasing pressure with each movement.

Sliding off, spit lingering between her lips and his cock, she stared at his angled body, heavy eyes watching as her tongue ran down the underside of his cock, mouth landing on his balls. She sucked them, hands moving up and down his cock, listening to a string of ever-so-soft curses. He seemed to understand her need to control this, take back what she felt she had lost the night before.

With each stroke of her hand, her thumb slid across the tip, her mouth finally again taking him inside. This time all she could think of was taking it all. She worked it inside, pulling back and going deeper each time, hearing his pants of breath increasing in frequency each time. Her hands gripped the skin of his hips, fingernails digging in. Rey relished in his gasps and held on to him harder.

She whined as she felt the tip of his cock hit the back of her throat, unable to take the rest, still inches left warmed only by her hand. She didn't give oral usually - if ever - but something had possessed her and all she wanted was to take everything he had.

The whine of frustration seemed to wake him up and he chuckled softly, "Need some help, sweetheart?"

That word made her heart flip and her aching knees protested as she spread her legs wider instinctively, but she just hummed agreement around his cock and he stood straighter, hands taking control of her. He gripped her hair and pulled her off his cock, their eyes locked as he held it against her lips, shuddering as the tip pressed against the outline of her mouth.

"You want all of this?"

Unable to speak, Rey just nodded, eyes heavy as she parted her lips for him in answer. Her hands moved to grab his butt as he pushed inside inch by inch, pulling him closer to her.

The tip of his cock hit the back of her throat and he grunted, "Relax, Rey."

She attempted to swallow and a strangled cry escaped him, "Easy."

His hands held the back of her head and he pushed him further down her throat inch by inch until finally her nose was pressed against his skin, lips stretched tautand touching the hair at the base of his cock.

"Beautiful," he murmured as she stared at him before he pulled her back and pushed harder into her, thrusts picking up the pace as Rey gave herself over to his movements, sucking as she was pulled on and off. Her hand dug under the band of her underwear, whimpering around his cock as her fingers slid around her own engorged clit.

Whines and grunts of pleasure filled the otherwise silent movements of her fingers against her clit and her mouth on his cock and her hips thrust against her hand as he fucked her face with increasing speed.

"Gonna come, down your throat baby?" She moaned agreement, the deep desire for everything he had to be hers taking over. This wasn't something she did, but she was here - doing something she never anticipated with someone she had never dreamed of before.

"Rey," was all he said as she felt him go rigid in her mouth, balls tightening as he came down her throat. "Oh fuck, Rey-"

She was staring into his eyes as she swallowed what he gave her, her hands moving faster around her clit as she felt him slowly soften in her mouth.

He pulled his cock out of her mouth, the remnants of cum leaking out and the sight of the fire in his eyes pushed her over the edge, a cry escaping her as she was pushed over the edge of orgasm. In the midst of it, she barely noticed him lowering himself before her, watching as her lower body quivered around her hand, his own running along her bare thighs. Up her shirt, pulling it with him until it was off and her breasts were bare before him.

Ben leaned in and kissed each one before pulling back with a sly grin, "Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?"

The reminder came crashing down and Rey froze, pulling away and standing before him in just her underwear.

"It was a thank you," she says calmly as she went to grab her shirt off the floor, but his hand stopped her.

"Thank me for what?"

Her eyes avoided his, but he didn't let her go, the loose grip enough to make her freeze. She could move, could leave and he would let her, but was frozen.

"I'm just so embarrassed, I wanted to thank you for being so….kind." The word tasted strange on her tongue as she tried to put a word on it.

"I don't need you to suck my cock just because you feel bad, Rey," he was irritated and let her arm go, stepping back and pulling his pants back up quietly.

"I like sucking your cock, though," the honesty struck her and it hurt when he laughed unbelievingly. She stood up, her shirt clutched to her bare chest, staring at him as the weight of what happened sat heavy between them.

"We should talk about it," he started, the anger gone and replaced with compassion that made Rey's heart twist. "You were…upset. I don’t want you to do this if you’re uncomfortable."

The way he said it, so practical and logical and almost emotionless, made her hiccup slightly and then without a word he pulled her to him, hands around her waist lifting her up. Her legs went around his hard body, arms still clutching her shirt against her chest as she leaned into him.

Ben walked her to the couch, TV paused on the next episode of _Vikings_ she had queued up for them before he arrived. She sank down against him, her wet panties pressing against his black slacks and in the back of her mind she wonders if his wife will notice when he returns home.

As they kissed, her hands moved to pull his cock out, but Ben stilled her movements. Rey whined, frustrated at being stopped yet _again,_ "Please Ben, I haven't had sex in _days._ I need you."

His hands released her, one cupping the side of her neck as he stares at her, lips pulling as if trying to decide if he should ask what was on his mind.

"Are you sleeping with anyone else?" It was so soft, no expectation in his voice, but hesitant - as if he didn't want to know, but had to.

Rey huffed, "That's really none of your business, is it? It's not like we're _exclusive."_

The blatant reminder that he was with someone else - bound to them - and still here, his cock still slick from being down another woman's throat. _Her_ throat, she thought with an odd swelling of pride.

Ben swallowed, "It's not, I just needed to ask."

She could tell he still wanted to know and Rey knew she should just tell him he was the only one at the moment, but Rose's words kept lurking in her mind. This was an easy way to create emotional distance, the constant reminder of _someone else._

Let's see how he likes not knowing anything about who else I might be sleeping with, Rey thought bitterly.

"We should talk about it," Ben finally continued, hands resting against her thighs, no longer teasing her, but just taking respite in her nearness. "You were upset the other night, why?"

She can't read anything on his face. It was blank, his body still as he watched her pull together an answer. How would he respond? He had always been very clear it was just sex, what would he think if she had begun to see it as more - at least for just that moment?

"I've never had this discussion in such a position before," he broken the heavy silence with a light voice, his fingers brushing lightly down the center of her chest. She was still holding her shirt to her stomach, breasts still bare for him.

Rey stiffened, wondering what he meant by _this discussion,_ and he realized it quickly.

"Just a serious one. I've never done this, Rey," he brushed the loose strands of her hair across her face, dancing between her eyes and lips.

"I like looking at you," she blurted out, face flushed with embarrassment. He was trying to have a serious conversation, but all she could think about was how his face pulled to her, drawing her deeper into his sensuousness every time he talked. She couldn't stop looking at his lips.

His hands squeezed her thighs silently, "Are you okay?"

He seemed worried, which just made everything worse.

"I meant what I said in the car. I can't pretend that this is normal," the words finally tumbled out and his face was flat as she continued on. "I _know_ what this is, and-"

"What is it?" He interrupted and Rey sputtered to a stop, confused.

He's being soft, too soft - she doesn't want it, it makes everything more confusing. It's what led her to the split on Saturday night; she forged on.

"I know this isn't…new, for you. It's not easy for me the way it is for you," she whispered as her eyes closed, missing how his hardened.

"You think this is easy for me, Rey?" He sounded angry then, but his hands kept stroking her skin, stoking the simmering fire just under the surface. Even now he couldn't seem to stop touching her. "Being with you, here - now - that's easy. Everything around us isn't. I can never seem to find enough time to be with you the way I want."

The last words made her heart stop, but she shook it off, knowing it was a sexual compatibility thing. Neither could deny their need for each other.

"It's just all so confusing," she confessed. "I've never done this before - but not even a repeat partner, much less something like this. An affair."

She finally said the word that had been plaguing her conscience and she felt lighter - it was out there, they had to face it now. What they were doing. He was not hers. This was just sex and casual conversation. His eyes broke off from hers, staring at a spot just beyond her, lips pulling in thought.

"I don't know how to talk to you when I can't really know you," she continued quietly. "But then I wonder, do I really need to? It's just hooking up, having fun."

"You can ask me anything," he responded, abruptly turning his face towards hers again, his dark eyes boring into her own, imploring her to understand _something._

Rey's face scrunched up in thought and finally she blurted out, "How long have you been married?"

"12 years," he seemed calm as he responded simply. "We were at law school together."

Rose's words to keep it simple and surface level bounced right off of her as she continued.

"What's her name?"

"Kaydel."

"Are you happy with her?"

A beat.

"Sometimes."

Rey pauses her inquisition then, their eyes still locked. How was she supposed to take that? He was almost emotionless as he answered each one, shut down.

"Then why are you doing this with me?" She couldn't seem to keep the vulnerability out of her voice and was surprised to feel a light tear escape her eye. "Why me?"

"Rey," he says, expression pained as he pulled her in for a deep kiss. She sunk into it, accepting the outpouring of unnamed emotion coming out of him, his tongue dizzying as she opened her mouth to him.

Eventually she pulled off, "We shouldn't avoid talking about this. We're adults."

"I don't want to talk about her right now, Rey," he was firm, almost begging. "I'm not asking for anything more from you than this. Just us right here, right now. You don't have to pretend we're anything but this. I promise, please."

And that, she thought, was part of the problem - he, too, tried to ignore the situation. To pretend.

"You can't pretend we're in a real relationship anymore," she warned. "And you certainly can't claim you're my boyfriend."

He looked as if he wanted to argue, that it was for her defense, but he simply nodded. "I want you to feel comfortable with me. I'm sorry that I overstepped."

Rey smiled and kissed his cheek, moving to slide off to sit next to him on the couch, but Ben instead lifted her in the air, turning her towards the TV. He pulled her against his chest, taking the t-shirt from her hands and tossing it to the ground once more.

Her heart beat faster, feeling exposed - naked when he was in his business suit. It made her feel oddly warm and she leaned backwards into him, his arms wrapping around her stomach as he pressed play on the episode.

"Catch me up on what I missed, I apparently slept through the last episode."

"I remember," he laughed quietly, pressing a kiss underneath her ear, smiling as she laughed at the slight tickle of his hair.

"Sorry to disappoint you," she joked.

"I don't think you could ever disappoint me," he murmured in her ear and she swallowed hard.

They stayed there through one episode, his hands quiet around her stomach, but as the celebration at Uppsala turned deviant in the next, his fingers found their way between her thighs. Neither of them said anything as his fingers dipped deeper inside of her in a slow, but relentless pace. Her body warmed in his arms, squirming against his trapped erection, nipples tight with arousal.

He toyed with her for an hour, teasing out an orgasm that washed over her without much fanfare, somehow more intimate than the ones that came before. His fingers were slick with her arousal as he dragged them up her stomach and breasts, his lips now relentlessly sucking her neck, giving up all pretense at watching. She tried to pay attention through the end, the agony that Lagertha and Ragnar felt as their marriage's future seemed on a precipice of fate.

But in the end, Ben consumed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this chapter (or story!) please let me know in a comment, or come find me on twitter or tumblr - @reylosource
> 
> I love talking fanfic and Reylo =) Thank you!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoy, at least it wasn't a 2 month wait this time - just one? =)

It was as if a dam had been breached after that, questions pouring from her mouth at all hours of the day. Ben joked that she could have just looked him up on Google if she really wanted to know about him, but that wasn't the point was it?

Rey wanted him to tell her, to have that connection. It was dangerous to want such a thing especially in light of the boundaries they had established, the transparent honesty about  _ what this was.  _ But she couldn't help it.

And the surprise of surprises was that he reciprocated.

When she asked why he liked the law, he asked why she chose engineering.

He dove into her final project, the year-long adventure she was setting off into, to land the dream job. He wondered why she even bothered looking for an IT job rather than some entry level engineering gig. She had blushed and buried her face in his neck as they laid in bed, confessing that it was an easy way to make money and be able to work on the project while  _ at  _ work.

Ben didn't seem to judge her for that, appreciating the logic.

She wanted to know what he liked to watch, his favorite food, favorite board game. Unsurprisingly, he didn't have any.

"You don't have preferences, then?" She quizzed him over the phone one day as she walked the campus between classes.

"Of course I have preferences, but picking a favorite - it makes it seem like I would ever have a choice," the seriousness of his answer made her stop in the middle of the courtyard, wind whipping the locks of hair that had escaped her buns. "I try not to  _ want  _ that. So I don't pick favorites."

Rey hadn't known what to even say to that, but it felt like a piece of him had clicked into place.

And then one day, she did something bold. Something she had never asked  _ him  _ before.

Rey invited him over. She only had time on Sunday - the rest of the week was packed with final exams, study sessions, and no time for dalliances with a man she could never have.

"I'll miss you," she confessed to him as the silence between them grew after she asked. "I know that sounds silly, but-"

"I don't think I can," he interrupted her, heart sinking. He hesitated before continuing, "In an effort to not pretend, as you say, the only time I can be away on Sunday I'll be shopping. For my…wife's birthday."

Rey held her breath at that; he didn't skirt around it this time, the way she had asked him not to anymore, but it hurt.

"It's an appointment at a place she expects, or else I wouldn't-"

"No, no. It's alright."

For the first time, she wonders about their sex life. She had tried to reconcile his attention with the possibility that perhaps he wasn't having sex with his wife, but now she can't stop imagining it. Rey wants to ask, thinks about it, but in the end doesn't.

What does it matter as long as they're only enjoying each other for sex? They used protection, every time. He had even made sure of it. They had joked about it.

"I could-" she stopped herself, trying to force the words through. "I could join you. Help."

It was just sex, she told herself as she offered herself on the altar of anguish. What was she even thinking?

"I want to see you," he insisted. "But I don't think you would be comfortable with that. It's- it's a lingerie boutique."

"Oh," her reply was simple. Again her thoughts moved towards him and his unknown phantom wife having sex and her stomach tumbled. What would a hardened mistress do?

"I could still help. I've never been to a place like that, might be fun," she wanted to puke.

"Rey," her name was soft even over the phone and held more than she was willing to acknowledge.

"Please, I'll be fine. Besides, a woman's eye might help. Don't trust those sales people," she tried to joke as her stomach twisted. This was unfair, it wasn't right for her to do this, but she couldn't seem to stop.

"Alright," he finally acquiesced. He couldn't stop her either and a warmth bloomed in her stomach. She still had power with him, the need to see each other. "Sunday. I'll send you the address and time."

He paused, their breathing sync'd, "I'll see you soon, Rey."

* * *

She stood at the corner of the street, just a few stores down from the entrance to the small boutique, wondering what on earth she was doing. Rey hadn't even told Rose, knowing she would talk her out of it.

But here she was, wearing a form-fitting dress with no bra and her nicest pair of underwear. It wasn't for him, she told herself. It was the fact she was going to a  _ very  _ expensive lingerie store and didn't need more disdainful stares than she already expected being on the arm of a man like Ben.

She was aware enough of the discrepancy between the two, far younger, less elegant. Rough around the edges in a way she always liked, but was painfully obvious when others stared at them.

A black sedan pulled up to the curb where she stood, her hands twisting around her stomach. She watched as he stepped out of the backseat, hair perfectly coiffed, but for once he was in jeans and a button down, rolled up to his elbows.

Rey couldn't breathe as he caught her eyes, smiling softly as he shut the door, shaking his hair back a little. She caught the watch on his wrist and suddenly wondered if that had been a gift from his wife, or something he bought himself.

She couldn't stop wondering how much of what she liked about him was something from  _ her. _

"Hi," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her softly. She pulled back, surprised, "What?"

He seemed genuinely baffled and Rey looked around nervously, "Aren't you worried someone will see?"

Ben's brow furrowed in thought, calculating as he stared at her, "I'm fine, Rey. It's okay."

"Alright," she whispered, still surprised when he laced his fingers into hers and turned to walk towards the boutique.

"This is a very nice place, I have been assured of their discretion," he looked up at the elegant logo and storefront that gave nothing away. Ben turned to her, looking intently. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

Rey flushed red at his concern, "I'm fine, it's a bit weird, but if I want to see you this is how for right now. It's fine."

With a heavy sigh he let go of her hand to open the tall door, gesturing her inside.

She was taken aback by the displays and variety on the walls. There weren't racks the way she was expecting, but instead mannequins showing off each look.

Ben moved to speak to the attendant, "Ben Solo, here for the 4:30 appointment."

"Of course sir, would either of you like some refreshments?" Ben turned to look at her and she shook her head, confused.

"A glass of champagne for each of us, I think," he replied. Was that what they meant? Why were they drinking when they shopped?

An assistant brought them each a flute of champagne and he smirked at her flummoxed face, "I thought this was only something they did in the movies."

"Maybe that's where they got the idea to do it," he mused. "Movies inspiring ridiculous things, instead of vice versa."

"You're still appreciating it," Rey shot back.

"I figured something to ease the awkwardness of the situation might be good, yes."

"Will you be trying anything on today, ma'am?" The attendant, an older woman, asked Rey as she returned from the back with a tablet in hand.

"Uh," she looked at Ben, who simply shrugged.

"Up to you, Rey," his hand moved to brush her hair over her shoulder idly. She had left it down today, wondering if he might like it.

"Yes, maybe. I think so," could she be any more vague?

"I'll take your measurements then, if you'll follow me. Mr. Solo, you can take a seat over here and wait for us - or browse if you prefer."

He chuckled as Rey was led into the dressing room, which Rey was surprised to find was incredibly spacious and an actual  _ room  _ with a door instead of one of those stalls in the department stores. It had a large ottoman in the middle and a floor-length mirror stand.

"Now, if you're comfortable it's best if you strip down to your underwear for the most comfortable fit," the woman was all business and Rey appreciated it as she untied her dress and pulled it over her head.

The attendant went to work, measuring all sorts of things Rey had never given any thought to before. She had thought it was mostly bust size and chest circumference. But the woman even measured her legs, thighs, waist.

"We'll keep everything on file on your account, so you should only have to do this once," she assured her. "Unless you experience some fluctuations, or become pregnant. We offer a fabulous maternity line as well."

Rey blushed, "I- I don't think that's in the cards for us, but I'll keep that in mind. Also it's not my account, it's his."

The woman snorted, "He's already given you access to it, should you ever want anything simply call us and we'll make it happen."

Blinking, she barely registered that the measuring was done as the attendant patted her arms and told her to get dressed again.

Her legs were coltish as she walked back into the store, looking for the head of dark hair, her unexpected lifeline.

"Rey," his smile dropped as he took in her unease. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, let's just find some pieces!" For his wife, she added to herself.

It was a whole new world of complicated straps and clasps and cuts and types of bras. Ben, thankfully, seemed just as bewildered.

"I've never spent much time in here," he confessed. "Every year it's mostly in and out."

Rey nodded, stomach sick at the thought of how long he must have been buying lingerie for his wife.

Unable to stop herself, she slid her arm around his waist, leaning into his thick body. He responded in kind, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and kissing her head.

"So which ones do  _ you  _ like?" he whispered in her ear and she shivered.

They walked around the showroom, selecting pieces as the attendant added them to the list on her tablet. "When you're ready to look at them, we'll pull the right sizes and take them to the room for you."

She could get used to this, Rey thought as she touched a simple lace panty with his palm on her hip. Why couldn't she just have stayed away from him for the week? Instead she was slowly torturing herself picking out lingerie for his wife.

"Take a seat and we'll bring them in for you," the woman told them warmly as she left them sitting on the large ottoman in the dressing room.

"They let you back here, hm?" Rey smirked, eyebrow raised.

"Well I am spending quite a bit of money," he shrugged and winked. "How else will I be able to decide which one to get?"

The reminder made her sour and he grabbed her hand and pulled her to stand in front of him as he sat down. Ben pressed a kiss to her palm, wrist, darting his tongue against her skin just slightly. She let out a small moan, twisting in his touch and bringing her hand to brush into his hair, fingernails sliding against his skin.

"Rey," her named on his lips was so soft, sending her stomach into a light flutter.

"Here we are!" Their attendant chirped as the door opened, a few assistants carrying her selections in and placing them neatly on the walls around them.

Rey stood there, hand in Ben's hair unashamed, as they filed in and out. His eyes didn't leave her face, even as he murmured his thanks when the door shut.

Silently he stood up, moving to lock the door before turning around, "Which ones first, then?"

Rey was paralyzed as she stared at him, realizing slowly what she had gotten herself into.

"Rey," he commanded and her eyes snapped into his. He held them as his hands moved to untie her dress, large hands dipping into the folds as he slid it off.

"I've missed these," he said as he leaned down to kiss the tip of each of her breasts. "Thank you for coming, Rey."

A smile whine slipped her mouth as her arm wrapped around his neck, pulling him to kiss her, mouth opening for him immediately. He groaned, hands handling her waist as he pulled her into him, the rough fabric of his jeans making her shudder. She had grown used to the softer fabrics of his suits, making the jeans seem exotic.

They stayed there for minutes, sucking her tongue as his hands splayed across her bare back, before he finally pulled away.

"We'll be here all night if we keep that up," he smiled and kissed her flushed cheek. Smacking her ass he moved away to sit on the ottoman. "Now show me what you've selected for us."

In the end, she was far more entertained than she thought she would be, given the circumstances. They had selected a wide range of contraptions and both agreed that the bodysuits that exposed her entire breasts "Missed the point entirely".

Rey was also silently grateful for his general distaste for the latex and leather options, which she had only chosen out of curiosity.

"I want softness and silk for you, just like your skin," he mused.

"My hands aren't soft," she scoffed.

"Soft enough," Ben smiled as he leaned back on his elbows and watched her change.

He held his breath as she selected the next piece, a dark red and black number. Complete with stockings, garter belt, and balconette bra. No panties.

She took her own off, standing naked in front of him instead of the mirror, watching the way his chest rose and fell the longer she took to slip everything on.

"Those would look even better with heels," was all he said as he laid back, eyes tracing the curve of her calves and thighs, swallowing as she snapped the band of the stockings around her thigh.

"I can't really walk in heels," Rey blushed at the admission, but he smiled ruefully.

"As if I would let you walk in them. They're just for me, sweetheart."

Rey's smile faltered and she turned around to grab the top, black with small hidden spots with red lace and a tiny red bow in the center of her chest.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "I know you don't like me calling you that."

"It's not that," she hesitated before pushing through. Honesty, transparency, she chanted. "I just have to wonder if that's what you- what you call her."

She watched him stand up through the mirror, watched as he approached her and settled his hands on the fancy fabric cradling her hips. They looked at each other in the mirror as he kissed her neck.

"I promise, it's just you, Rey," he whispered in her ear.

"Okay," her voice shook a little, but he seemed to be satisfied with it as he sat back down, still watching her as the straps of the garter belt hung loose against her thighs.

Rey walked over to him, confidence assured again, "Will you fasten these?"

She turned her back to him, gesturing at the top and the straps that hung against the back of her thighs. He didn't say anything, simply secured the back clasp of her bra and pressed a kiss between her shoulder blades before moving to the tops of her stockings.

"Do you like it?" She needed him to like it.

"I haven't seen you all done up yet," he said as he turned her around, head level with her stomach, eyes focused on the opening between her legs, obscured by lace. He clipped the strips of fabric to the front of her stockings and leaned back again on his elbows, eyebrows raised.

Rey smirked at his silent command and took a step back, turning slowly for him.

"I think you should wear only this," his voice was low and she turned towards him, standing between his open knees.

"I think school and work would have something to say about that."

"Maybe just for me, then," he agreed, eyes watching the way her stomach sucked in as she moved, the subtle muscles making his cock throb.

They came to a silent agreement as she climbed onto the ottoman, one knee on either side of his thighs. Ben sat up, hands resting lightly on her ass before moving to kiss her neck, sucking quietly as she moved closer and settled into his lap.

"Rey," he warned her as she ground down into him, feeling the outline of his cock and smiling, tilting her neck further for him.

"Yes?"

"Are you sure you want to do this here?"

Her hands moved to his collar, popping each button down the row, "I'm sure."

A hand that was on her ass moved at that, fingers sliding between her, "Fuck, Rey."

She grinned as she popped the last button and spread his shirt to see his chest, "Don't men normally wear undershirts with these?"

"Don’t women normally wear bras?" He quipped and she blushed, remembering she had opted not to wear hers today.

"Guess we were both thinking the same thing," was her answer as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pushed into him, his fingers slipping just barely between her lips.

Ben kissed along her collarbone, taking one of the straps in his mouth and dragging it down her shoulder.

"Your breasts are perfect, I think about the way they curve in my hands all the time," he whispered, feeling her shudder around him, her thighs squeezing his hips. "Somehow this makes them even more tantalizing. Like I'm unwrapping something I shouldn't."

Kisses follow the line of her bra, the top of her breast, tongue dipping into the cup, brushing the tip of her nipple.

Rey groaned, "Ben, please. We don't have all day."

The reminder that they were always on borrowed time was heavy in between them and he sighed as his face rested between her breasts.

His hand shifted between them, fingers sliding around her clit, his eyes watching her face as her lips parted and hips canted towards him.

Rey let him tease her for as long as she could stand, thumbnail brushing around the edge of her clit as she rode two of his fingers in a slow rhythm. Neither one wanted this to be all there was, but Rey was not keen on the idea of being interrupted by an attendant and her hands went to unbutton his jeans.

"Missed me, sweetheart?" He teased as his fingers picked up speed, her hips somehow keeping pace even as she unzipped him and pulled his glorious cock free.

"Yes, so much," she squeezed his already hard dick, thumb brushing against the tip, feeling the velvety skin slide against her own. "Don't make me wait any longer, Ben."

He shook his hair back that had fallen in his eyes, fingers sliding underneath her stockings, making her shudder as he snapped the edge against her skin.

Both hands pulled away, one still wet from her cunt, and lifted her easily up. Without having to say a word, Rey positioned his dick at her entrance and he set her down slowly, eyes locked where it disappeared into her laced-covered pussy.

"Rey, fuck," his hands moved lower, fingers grabbing her bare ass and she moaned at the feeling of his cock stretching her and fingers smearing her arousal on her skin.

She lifted up on her knees, body pressed against his bare chest, looking down at him for once. Unable to stop herself, Rey touched her forehead to his, staring at him as she began to rock into him, a slow rhythm that seemed at once too much and not enough.

His fingernails dug into her skin as he guided her rolling hips as she found just the right pressure deep inside of her, "You're perfect, your cock-"

Eyes bored into hers as she panted, picking up speed as he increased the intensity of their connection. "It was made for you, never been like this-"

Rey whined, kissing him before he could finish the sentence that she knew would break her even more.

He took control then, hands lifting her for harder thrusts, pushing against the spot that made her cry out, "Touch yourself, Rey, I need to feel you come."

She pushed her face into his neck as she slid a hand between them, two fingers slipping around her aroused clit. The movement of her body added just the right rhythm and pressure as he bounced her on his cock, her hips twisting as she was impaled on him.

"Just a little," she gasped. "More, please Ben."

She couldn't tell if they were being quiet, but the sound of his cock entering her pounded in her ears. He pushed her against him as he pulled her down with each stroke, the straps on her garter belt finally snapping away from the stockings.

Her breasts had popped out of the balconette cups and he took her nipple into his mouth, sucking hard as she finally came around him, teeth skimming the top.

"Oh god," her body froze and curled into him, her mouth wide, teeth grazing his neck gently as she felt him grow impossibly large before coming with a groan. She rocked her hips against him, gripping his cock inside of her as they both rode down the high.

"Come away with me next weekend," he said, so softly she almost didn't hear him for the blood rushing in her ears. His lips rested in the hollow of her throat, breathing steadier with each passing second.

"What?" Rey blinked, pulling away to look at him.

One of his hands raised to tuck her hair back from her face, "I want you to stay with me next weekend. Go away with me. I want you an entire day and night. Please."

"Ok," she answers before she can second guess herself. He smiled at that, open and broad. It took her breath away and she pressed a simple, hard kiss to his lips before pulling off of him and standing up.

"I guess we're buying this one," she joked. "Needs a good cleaning."

"I was already going to buy it for you anyway," Ben replied as he zipped himself up, standing in front of her and holding her hips. "Along with a few others, if that's okay."

Rey stared at all the pieces, wondering which one he would choose for  _ her.  _ But she gathered the ones she liked best as he unlocked the door. The silence was heavy and when she turned, he stood in the doorway with her back to her.

"You're all I ever think about anymore," his head stared off to the side, somehow knowing she couldn't bear to hear that with him staring. It's a confession that weighs heavy on her. Perhaps he thought it was what she needed to hear, in the context. He always seemed to know what was eating at her, or perhaps it was just always the same thing with them.

She stood beside him as they entered all the items onto his purchase list, Rey trying to ignore the way a few of the younger assistants looked at her. Maybe they noticed his ring and her lack.

She felt like a mob mistress in that moment and Ben looked down at her as if he wanted to say something, but instead he just squeezed her body into his.

They stepped out, Ben holding one small bag. The rest were being delivered to Rey's apartment. They hadn't asked why the split in the order, but Rey knew they knew. He hadn't bought any of the pieces she had selected for his wife, grabbing a simple babydoll as they went to the counter.

"Guess that wasn't quite as productive as you had planned," she hedged.

"On the contrary, that was everything I hoped for when you suggested it," Ben said simply, leaning to kiss her cheek. "Thank you."

"So, next weekend?" They hadn't talked about it after she had agreed and he took a deep breath.

"You should be done with exams, yes?" Rey nodded. "Then I'll send you the details, but I'm hoping to pick you up on Friday afternoon if that's alright?"

Her stomach fluttered at the possibility of three days uninterrupted with him, even as she heard Rose warn her about boundaries.

"Sounds perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr and twitter @ reylosource =)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it begins

"I cannot BELIEVE," Rose slammed her pen onto the desk next to Rey as she sat down. "You're going away with him. Rey, are you sure you're okay?"

Grateful for the open desk between them, aimed at creating at least the appearance of preventing cheating on their exam, Rey sighed and looked over at her friend.

She had told her in a text message that morning, trying to stave off the long discussion that would come.

"I'm perfectly fine, Rose," Rey gave her a brittle smile as she slouched in her chair, last minute studying forgotten. "I've never been away for a weekend with anyone, it'll be fun."

"Yeah because that's what  _ couples  _ do Rey. You've never been in a relationship like that," Rose's voice was gentle, almost pandering, but Rey knew she was right. "I want to be supportive of your choices - and I  _ am -  _ but maybe it's too much this time."

"He's safe, Rose. He won't leave her, which means I don't have to commit to anything but enjoying the time."

"And are you? Besides the sex," Rose rushed out before Rey could joke about it, smirk half formed on her face. "Is whatever you're going through  _ really  _ that enjoyable? Because you seem more serious lately."

"And that's a problem?" Rey arched her brow, wondering how much her friend really saw into her reasoning.

"It's not really, but it's just - abrupt. I worry about you. An affair is complicated, even with boundaries - which you both seem to suck at by the way," Rose finished right as the exam proctor and teaching assistants filtered in with a stack of exam booklets.

Rey thought back to the way he touched her face, lips. The way he looked when he stood in the doorway and confessed. How he tucked her into his body as the women at the boutique stared at her ringless finger, mismatched with his own.

"If I promise to go on a date with someone  _ not  _ named Ben Solo, will you relent?"

Rose's eyes widened, "You're serious?"

"Yes," Rey answered, immediately dreading it.

"Oh my god! Your first date! Yes, I will drop it  _ for now  _ if you agree to go out," her face barely had a chance to look devious before she blurted out. "With Poe!"

"Rose, I-"

Rey's exasperation for her friends' constant attempts to set her up with their favorite bartender was interrupted by the proctor calling for silence as he began the rules.

But Rose seemed to be in her own world, her friend could see the elaborate plotting going on behind her eyes.

A small price to pay for a weekend with Ben, Rey mused.

Just a date.

* * *

Rey tried not to stare as Ben's car pulled up to the curb in front of her apartment building. It wasn't as if she hadn't known he was well off in some form or fashion - the menacing way he had answered the phone that first time was enough, not to mention the suits. It felt like the type of aggressiveness that only went with having money, but Rey didn’t mind.

He never seemed to care about her slightly run-down apartment, but as she stared at the sleek black sedan she couldn't help but swallow at the disparity between the two.

But when he climbed out of the car and walked over to her, wearing sunglasses that made her heart stop from how breathtaking he was in them, and kissed her on the lips before grabbing her bag, all thoughts of the lifestyle differences went away.

It wasn't as if she was dating him, or had to be introduced to other rich people like him. There was no pressure with them, with what they had. Because it would never go anywhere and that was how she wanted it. A perfect match, really.

As they left the city behind, Rey looking out the window and trying desperately not to think too hard about the way he gripped the steering wheel and drove, he spoke, "Finals going alright?"

Rey smiled despite herself, "I don't think I'm at risk of losing my summa cum laude, at least."

"Good," his voice held warmth that again reminded her of why she had said yes to him in the first place in that dressing room. Wearing the lingerie that she had packed away in the trunk. "Then this will be a good celebratory weekend, I think."

"I hope so, considering what I had to promise Rose so she would leave me alone about it," Rey joked without a second thought, but as the words left she turned to stare at him. Waiting.

"Oh?" His voice was wry, "What did you promise her?"

"My first date," Rey cringed at the way that sounded, eyeing him warily.

His face remained the same, except for the brows that scrunched together in thought and she sighed, answering the silent question, "With Poe."

The confusion seemed to get worse as his hands twisted around the steering wheel, "I'm sorry?"

"Sorry, probably not the thing to mention on a weekend getaway," Rey sighed, hands in her lap twisting nervously as she tried to focus on the cars that were passing in the opposite direction. "Rose is just worried, trying to make sure I don't get in too deep with you, I guess. She wouldn't stop pestering me until I convinced her that wouldn't happen."

"She does realize I'm married, right?" His voice had an edge to it Rey couldn't quite understand, but she just nodded, hoping he wouldn't need verbal confirmation.

It hadn't really stopped him from doing this, but Rey kept that to herself, knowing it would only play into her own bargaining mind.

"Part of me is excited, actually," she pushed on, trying to inject a bubbly optimism she didn't feel. "I've never been on a proper date before."

"What do you think this is?" Ben sounded incredulous, almost hurt, and she blushed, looking over at him to meet his brief glance. She hadn't really thought of this - anything they were doing - as dating. Or anything really.

"Weekend sex romp away from your wife?" She was only half joking and swallowed soundlessly as he hummed and she watched his face wipe off any trace of emotion.

He didn't respond at all and it made her wonder what she had done, if she had upset him, or merely made him think about something. Maybe he also needed a reminder that they  _ weren't  _ dating.

The rest of the two hour trip was mostly quiet and Rey didn't expect to be comfortable in the heavy silence that surrounded them, but there was a point where he grabbed her hand idly after getting gas and it made her smile.

* * *

The suite was stunning, but dinner even more so - beyond any luxury she had ever really thought about. Again she had wondered at his life, what made him choose this moment with her.

It wasn't fancy in a way that made her feel underdressed or uncomfortable, but a richness that spoke more to the quality of something rather than the status. That night they did nothing more than lay wrapped in each other's arms in a move that surprised Rey for how right it seemed.

But the other part of her, the one that sounded like Rose, yelled at her for even thinking that.

Rey's dreams were soft and comforting, though she didn't remember them, and in the middle of the night she had rolled back to face him and as soon as she had touched his bare chest he pulled her in even as he slept. She stayed awake for far too long, simply staring at the lines of his chest and muscles and wondering what was wrong with his world.

She woke hours later to the sound of him yelling into his phone as he stood on the balcony, the door to their bedroom was shut, but exposed. Rey could barely make out the words, but her eyes went wide at the aggression in his voice. He was pacing, hand in his hair and voice loud enough she was thankful for their corner suite away from as many people as possible.

Rey slipped out of the bed, wrapping the sheet around her before she stepped towards the sound and pushed the balcony door open.

Her eyes were wide as she took in his fully clothed state, shiny shoes pacing back and forth on the cobblestone balcony, an angry and cold expression on his face.

He finally seemed to notice she was there, snapping his head to stare at her.

"I have to go," Ben snapped before shutting off the call and letting his hand fall to his side, clenching the phone so tight Rey worried it would break in his grip.

"What was that?" She tried to ignore how her voice shook, unsure why.

"Nothing."

Rey snorted, hands pulling the sheet tighter around her body, suddenly feeling exposed, "Didn't sound like it."

"Leave it, Rey," he snapped and she glared.

Making deliberate eye contact, she let the sheet drop, watching his throat swallow and eyes harden at her naked body, "Fine."

She turned and stalked towards the bathroom, resolutely locking the door in a silent message to stay away. She couldn't hear much over the shower and was grateful for it. What was going on, what could make him so angry? His voice had been so much colder and angrier than even when he had answered the first time, when he thought she was someone from work.

She thought perhaps she should be frightened, alone with a man she thought she knew at least a little, but who clearly had anger in him. But she wasn't. She just wanted to understand.

The water shut off and she stepped out of the shower, barely looking at herself as she towel dried her hair and skin roughly, almost impatient. There was no noise from the other side of the door and a part of her was sick at the thought that he might have left her.

But she ignored the dread in her stomach and wrapped the towel around herself before she unlocked the door and walked out, intent on only her suitcase.

But he was there, right there, sitting in the chair next to it, eyes watching her intently. His body seemed more controlled now, face impassive, but she knew the anger was still there. Wondered if he had called the person back.

For the first time, she wondered if it had been his wife. She hoped not.

They were both silent, Ben staring at her as she dropped the towel and got dressed. A scene that was so domestic her stomach couldn't stop the flutter when she realized it. As she zipped up her jeans and pulled her damp hair up, she finally spoke, "Ready to talk about it now?"

"No."

"I'm not going or doing anything with you until you tell me-"

"Oh will you fucking leave it alone?" His voice thundered at her, not loud, not a yell, but the strength behind it made her take a step back. His eyes were bloodshot and  _ that  _ scared her the most.

"This isn't who you are," her voice wavered, but she was certain about  _ that.  _ Even as he sneered at her.

"Stop pretending like you know me, Rey. You don't know anything," he stood up at that, his body nearly flush with her own as he stared down at her. After a long minute he broke their gaze and looked away, hand brushing his hair back in frustration.

"I could help, if you told me," Rey spoke softly now, understanding what it meant to have things you'd rather not share.

He turned his head to look at her, emotionless, but paused in thought for a minute before answering, "Sometimes I forget how young you are."

"What's  _ that  _ supposed to mean?"

"Rey, I don't want to talk about it. I want to enjoy the weekend," emotion finally filled his voice again, his words begging her to let it go, but the idea of just ignoring it was too much.

Even if she was an expert at ignoring things, something wouldn't let her do it now. He was right though, they didn't know each other really at all.

"Fine," she snapped, but before he could be relieved she turned and walked out, grabbing her phone and room key without him saying a single word. He just let her go.

* * *

The beach air pushed her hair away from her face, having let it down to dry in the sea salt-filled air. It had waves she had never experienced before, but couldn't find it in herself to care.

The ocean was beautiful. She had always wanted to visit, stay for the weekend, enjoy the smell of it and the sand beneath her toes. Ben had known that. He had taken her and fulfilled a dream without her ever asking him to; had never even thought about it. Maybe that's something that came with relationships.

And maybe that's what this was, despite all of her protestations; in some way, it was a relationship. Not normal, not okay, but there was still something that went beyond the hook ups she had always clung to.

He had called last night a date, this trip a getaway, but she had dismissed it. And wasn't she right to? As soon as she saw part of him that he hadn't intended to show her they fought. The way they existed was a bubble, no matter how much she tried to be honest and remind herself of the reality.

Maybe she didn't know him at all, but she felt as if he knew her. In all the ways that she thought never mattered. He brought her here, overlooking the pier as the sun gradually began to set against the endless waves. The sky darkened to a dusky rose mixed with orange, waning rays sparkling off the water.

Rey felt his presence before he slid his arms around her stomach, cheek pressing against the top of her head; the surprise should have made her stiffen, but she couldn't bring herself to push him away in that moment.

"Sometimes I feel cursed," he spoke clearly, his words carrying across the water. She was glad they were alone on the pier as he bent to press his nose into her hair, her body inhaling in time with his.

She knows what he means, needs to hear the words, but instead she asks, "Will you come to my graduation next week?"

A heavy sigh against her head accompanied a tightening of his arms around her; Rey placed her own on top of his, brushing her thumbs against his own.

"Is that really a good idea?" His words were laced with regret and Rey's eyes shut against the overwhelming emotion that threatened to spill onto her face.

"I guess not," came her broken whisper. In response, he moved his head down, nuzzling into her neck, placing kisses against her skin. Trying to soothe her in the only way he could when the truth was so harsh.

"I wish you wouldn't go out with Poe," he pressed his face hard against her shoulder and that's when she finally pulled away, turning away from the sunset to face him.

His eyes immediately noticed the quiet tears and his hand rose briefly before it dropped to his side.

"That's not fair," she ground out, the anger from this morning bubbling up again.

"I know," he said quietly, looking down at the ground before back at her, eyes tracing her lips. "But I had to say it."

Rey watched his intensity grow in the silence, her back pressing against the wet wood of the pier, tracing the markings on his face with her eyes. She had a question of her own.

"Do you still sleep with your wife?" She knew the answer, but while they were laying it all out she had to ask. Ben took a step back, hands pressing into his pockets.

"I'm often busy."

"That's not what I asked, Ben," her voice grew hard and he finally met her eyes.

"Yes. Sometimes."

There was that word again. He kept using it for  _ her  _ and Rey's heart clenched. There was nothing special about Rey in the end, she just filled in the gaps that his marriage had.

"She's my wife," the words come out whispered and broken and they pierce her heart as she's reminded again of his words that first night.  _ This isn't going anywhere. Ever. _

It's not fair to be upset, she had said much the same thing - and he had always been up front with her. But the logic didn't stop her lip from quivering as she watched the way he averted his eyes, staring off to the side of the pier, letting her emotions bubble up in peace as if he knew she couldn't handle his pity right then.

He took a few steps towards her, leaning against the railing of the pier, as close to her body as he thought was safe. Rey refused to turn to stare at the fading sun and chose to watch him instead, his prominent profile and dark hair windswept. What was wrong with them both, she wondered, that instead of walking away they chose to stay.

She leaned over, resting her head against his shoulder, not bothering to control her breathing and pretend like her heart wasn't aching. It wasn't fair, but it's what she chose.

Long minutes passed and when the sob that had been threatening to bubble over finally escaped, Ben turned immediately and pulled her into his arms, letting her mourn the loss of something she didn't know she was carrying.

They stayed long past when the sun went down, when the air became cooler, Rey's skin prickled with gooseflesh.

"Let's go back to the room," he murmured, hands gliding against her back in soothing strokes.

* * *

She watched as Ben took off his shoes as soon as they stepped into their suite. Her mind was whirring, unable to decide how to proceed or where they were going.

Maybe she didn't know him, or he her.

He set his watch down on the dresser and looked over at her, dark brown eyes loaded with something she couldn't put words to.

Or maybe they knew too much of each other.

Decision made, Rey began to strip, tearing her blouse over her head as she walked towards him, holding his eyes as she unbuttoned her jeans and shimmied out of them.

Unable to look away from his piercing gaze, her arm went around to her back and unsnapped her bra, letting it fall to her feet. Her nipples were aroused already, hardening even more under his heated stare.

She took another step toward him, "Do you want me?"

He swallowed hard, throat clenching as he replied, "I can't want things."

It was an odd thing to say and it made her tilt her head, adding it to the strange answers he had given her previously when they had delved into topics like this.

"You want me," her voice was firm, confident as she came to stand right in front of him, tilting her head up to watch him swallow.

So long passed that Rey thought perhaps she had been wrong, that their moment had passed and this weekend was their death-knell, but his eyes grew hungry when she took a self-conscious step back. His hands reached out to touch her waist, grip firm; her heart squeezed for a split second before he answered, "All the time. Every second of the day."

Before she could fully process his words, he leaned down to press a kiss against her neck, fluttering up to suck her ears, gently nipping at them as he pulled her close against him.

"But I can't have you," he whispered into her ear as he held her tight against him. "And one day you'll find someone who can. Who deserves to."

With another squeeze of her waist, he sank down to his knees and pressed his face into her stomach before his fingers grabbed the straps of her underwear and tugged it down, revealing the rest of her body to him. He buried his face between her legs, nose rubbing her clit as he inhaled her, tongue sliding between her lips teasingly.

"Ben," she hated how broken her voice was and how he didn't say anything, holding her steady as he spread her legs, pulling one over his shoulder before moving back between them with his tongue.

Her body was unsteady as she gripped his hair, holding him against her as if he had made any move to pull away. He hadn't. Ben worshipped her with his tongue and mouth, sucking on her lips and clit, making obscene noises of approval as he sunk his mouth into her arousal.

A hand gripped her ass, holding her tight against him as his other moved between her legs, one large finger sliding inside of her, pulling a soft  _ oh  _ from her lips.

He pushed another one inside, curling towards the spot that pulled a guttural moan from her and at that encouragement he did it again and again, sucking on her clit until she finally tipped over, her body growing weak as she was wrapped around him. His fingers continued moving inside of her, slowing their thrusts as she fluttered around them, her lower body pulsing. Her stomach and chest had slumped over him, the tips of her breasts tickling his hair.

Ben pulled his fingers out and stood up, lifting her body over his shoulder as he did so. He squeezed her ass before he walked over and dropped her backwards onto their bed. Rey watched with drowsy eyes as he stripped down in record time, his cock bouncing against his stomach as he freed it, red and swollen and desperate.

She spread her legs, inviting him as he stroked his cock, rolling the condom on in one fluid movement. Rey swallowed as she watched him walk to the edge of the bed and crawl between her legs, hovering over her with a desperate look.

His hands pushed her legs up, opening her even wider to him as he wrapped them around his waist, never looking away from her gaze. The moment seemed too heavy for words as he lined his cock up with her entrance, laying over her, elbows on either side of her as he slid inside inch by inch. Rey moaned, hands gripping his biceps as he bottomed out.

His hands slid underneath her shoulders, gripping them as he began to thrust slowly, agonizingly so. He watched her eyes widen at his size as she squeezed him each time, before finally pressing his lips against hers, parting them with a soft sigh. Her tongue met his in a slow rhythm that followed his own thrusts. She felt as if her heart was mending under his ministrations, pulling her body down into him as he thrust up.

Her hands roamed his back as he thrusts became faster, jostling her body, her breasts swaying slightly even as they were trapped underneath his body. He ripped away from her mouth with a groan, burying his face into her neck as he snapped his hips, her own rising to take him deeper inside of her as he ground against her clit.

Rey's hands clenched against his shoulder blades before she realized what she was doing and pulled them away, sliding them down, never resting in one spot.

Muffled words tickled her throat and she panted, "What?"

He turned his head and kissed her neck, sucking lightly before pulling away, whispering into her skin, "Mark me."

Her fingers dug into his skin before she could think through what he said, a reaction she couldn't hold back as he panted  _ mark me please please please  _ into her skin, in time with thrusts that were so hard it was all she could do to hang on to him, her legs and arms wrapped around his body, nails leaving marks as she gripped him.

It had been a rule since the very first night, she couldn't leave any marks on him, but he seemed wild, desperate even, groaning whenever her nails dragged across his skin, digging in to answer his call.

Rey buried a hand in his hair, pulling his neck to her mouth to suck the skin there, drunk on his desire to be hers in this way. Maybe this was the one thing he could give her, tell her,  _ show her,  _ she wondered as he fucked her body into the bed, pulling his hand away from her shoulder to slide between them, desperate to drag another orgasm out of her.

"Rey," he groaned as she sucked his neck, nails scratching through his hair and back, leaving red marks against his pale skin. "Fuck, sweetheart. I'm gonna come."

A soft murmur from her at odds with the violent thrusts, "Please Ben, I need you."

His fingers pinched her clit as he nearly whined at her words, feeling the beginning of her orgasm start to crest, squeezing his cock as he continued fucking her, dragging it out until he finally stuttered and stilled above her. His head dropped against her shoulder again, lips lazily kissing her skin as he pumped a few more times, finally pulling out and rolling onto his back beside her.

He was quiet as he tossed the condom into the basket before turning to her and pulling her body into his. They barely said anything, the silence heavy in her heart.

His head was nestled into the curve of her neck, body curled around her own as she laid on her back, staring at his closed eyes.

"I'm sorry," he spoke clearly as he hugged her tighter to him and she couldn't help the bitter thought that bubbled up,  _ For which part? _

But it was fleeting and she curled closer into him, turning her body to face him and kissing his throat, tasting the salty sweat of his skin before they drifted off to sleep, unable to separate in even as they were dragged into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this - if you did, please let me know? Thank you! Just a little over halfway done with the story. Again I will try to update faster, I promise - I hate my slow updates, too.
> 
> I'm on twitter and tumblr @reylosource. Thanks!


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